12. You’re Not the Problem But You’re Not Off the Hook Either

Welcome to the Create More Intimacy podcast. I’m Alisa Stoddard and I help men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

 

You’ve been trying, really trying. Maybe you’ve read all the books and listened to podcasts and even had hard conversations, and still she’s distant and cold and critical and it feels like nothing you do is ever enough and you are exhausted. Because how much more are you supposed to give?

I wanna say something here that may feel like a punch in the gut, but it also may be the most hopeful thing I could tell you:

You’re not the problem, but you’re not off the hook either.

Why This Hits Hard (But Matters)

 

It’s really easy to look at your partner—especially when she seems moody, irritable, or checked out—and think:

“If she would just be nicer… or appreciate me… or stop snapping… this would be easier.”

And honestly, you’re not wrong to want those things. You do deserve love, respect, connection, and affection.

But here’s the truth most people won’t say: you can’t build that by waiting for her to change first.

This Isn’t About Blame

 

I’m not here to tell you it’s all your fault.

Relationships are complicated. There’s history, stress, unmet needs, and old patterns.

But when things feel stuck? The most powerful move is to stop asking, “Why is she like this?” and start asking, “How am I showing up?”

The Cost of Waiting

 

What if part of what’s keeping you stuck is how you’ve been waiting?

Waiting for her to soften. Waiting for her to see you. Waiting for her to make the first move.

But what if you’re the one who needs to go first?

You might be thinking: I work hard. I don’t yell. I’m here, aren’t I?

And that may all be true—but emotional leadership isn’t just about presence. It’s about engagement.

A Story from My Own Marriage

 

There was a time I realized I was holding back. Not because I was mean or distant—but because I was scared of being hurt. I never went fully all in.

One thing I decided to do—for me—was write one thing I appreciated about him every day.

Some days, that was incredibly hard. But I stuck with it for a year and gave him that notebook.

What mattered most? It changed *me*. I softened. I noticed more. I stopped waiting and started choosing how I wanted to show up.

What Ownership Really Looks Like

 

Taking ownership doesn’t mean you take all the blame—it means reclaiming your power.

So what does that look like? Let’s go through some real examples…

Common Scenarios and Ownership Shifts

 

🔹 **Scenario 1: You feel unappreciated**

• Old habit: You shut down and tell yourself it’s not worth the effort.
• Ownership: “I know I don’t need a gold star, but sometimes I feel like what I do doesn’t matter. I know that’s on me, but I wanted to be honest with you.”

🔹 **Scenario 2: You get triggered in an argument**

• Old habit: You go silent, escalate, or get sarcastic.
• Ownership: “I’m feeling defensive right now. I want to keep talking, but I need a second to get my head back on.”

🔹 **Scenario 3: Sex feels off or disconnected**

• Old habit: You stop initiating and internalize the rejection.
• Ownership: “Hey, I miss feeling close to you—not just physically, but emotionally. I don’t want this to be transactional for either of us.”

🔹 **Scenario 4: You’ve been avoiding**

• Old habit: You distract yourself with work, hobbies, or your phone.
• Ownership: “I’ve been noticing that I avoid bringing things up when I’m unsure how you’ll react. That’s on me, and I want to change that.”

Leadership Isn’t About Fairness

 

If you’re thinking, “Why should I go first?”—I get it. You’re tired.

But leadership isn’t about fairness. It’s about creating something better.

Not carrying the relationship alone—but choosing, moment by moment, to be the emotionally grounded version of you.

This Changes Everything

 

Ownership isn’t punishment—it’s a power move.

It’s what helps rebuild trust, lower defenses, and create intimacy.

And no, it won’t change things overnight. She may not even notice at first.

But if you keep showing up calm, open, and emotionally present… she will feel it. And over time, the dynamic shifts.

One Question to Reflect On

 

What’s one thing you’ve been blaming her for—that you’re now willing to take ownership of?

Just one thing. You don’t have to tell her. Just start with *you*.

That inner shift? That’s where intimacy starts to rebuild.

Closing

 

If this spoke to you and you’re ready to stop staying stuck, this is the kind of work I help men do every day.

Emotional leadership. Untangling patterns. Creating real connection.

You don’t have to fix everything today. You don’t need a 5-step plan. You just need *willingness*.

So when you’re ready, you know where to find me.

Thanks for listening. I’ll see you next time.