26. You Can’t Go Back to How It Was: Why Real Change in Marriage Starts with You

You Can’t Go Back to How It Was: Why Real Change in Marriage Starts with You

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men with Alisa Stoddard

Introduction

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help successful men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

You know that feeling when you look at your wife and think, What happened to us?
It’s not that you don’t love her, you do. It’s that everything feels harder now. The smiles, the touch, the little moments that used to come easily now take effort. And even when you try, it still feels like you’re missing the mark.

You remember when she used to laugh at your jokes, when she reached for your hand, when you could actually relax around her. Back then, you didn’t have to think about every word before you said it or wonder which version of her you were going to get that day.

So part of you just wants to go back; back to when she was softer, when she looked at you like you could do no wrong, when you felt like her hero instead of the guy who can’t get it right.

But here’s the truth: you’re not really trying to go back to her. You’re trying to go back to who you were, the man who felt confident, wanted, and at ease. The man who believed he was enough.

You can’t rebuild your relationship by chasing an earlier version of it. Because the version of who you were back then doesn’t fit here anymore. Neither does the version of her.

If you keep waiting for her to change before you do, you’ll stay stuck in a version of your marriage that no longer exists.

This episode is about what it really means to stop waiting for her to change and what happens when you decide to evolve instead of looking backward.

Welcome to Episode 26: You Can’t Go Back to How It Was: Why Real Change in Marriage Starts with You.

The Illusion of Going Back

One of my clients once told me, “I just want us to get back to how we used to be.”
He said it with this mix of frustration and sadness, like he was describing something he couldn’t quite reach anymore.

He’d been doing everything he thought would help, being more patient, less reactive, helping out more, but nothing seemed to change. His wife still felt distant, still seemed irritated.

He missed when she smiled at him, when she looked at him like she actually liked him. But what he didn’t realize was that he didn’t just miss her, he missed how he felt around her.

He was trying to recreate a moment in time, a version of their marriage that fit who they used to be. Back then, life was simpler, before all the responsibilities and quiet disappointments that had built up between them.

The more he tried to go backward, the more disconnected they both felt. Because it’s not the past you’re missing. It’s the version of yourself who felt good back then. That man can exist again, but not by rewinding, by rebuilding, here and now.

Why Trying to Fix Her Doesn’t Work

Another client came to me convinced he’d done everything possible. He’d read the books, listened to the podcasts, learned all the “right” communication skills. But nothing worked. His wife just looked at him like she’d heard it all before, and she had.

She’d heard the promises, the apologies, the “I’ll do better” talks. What she hadn’t seen was change she could feel.

That’s because most men try to fix the problem through action, flowers, date nights, being nicer. And sure, that helps for a while, but eventually she feels the difference between effort that’s about results and effort that’s about connection.

He was doing things for her, not with her. And that’s the difference.

Meeting her here means being emotionally present, not just physically available. It means staying when she’s irritated, curious when she’s hurt, and open when she’s distant. It’s saying, “I know I’ve made this harder. I want to understand what’s been missing for you,” instead of “Can’t we just move on?”

When men start doing that, their wives notice, because she’s not waiting for perfection. She’s waiting to feel that she’s not alone anymore.

What Real Change Looks Like

The hardest part about showing up differently is that, at first, it doesn’t feel like it’s working. You stay calm, and she’s still angry. You listen, and she doesn’t open up. You try, and nothing seems to shift.

But what’s really happening is this: you’re learning how to stop reaching for control and start building connection.

Control feels safe because it’s predictable. But connection requires presence and presence means stepping into uncertainty without knowing how she’ll respond.

You can’t logic your way back to love. Connection isn’t performance. It’s presence.

That’s why so many men retreat, not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to stay when they can’t control the outcome. But discomfort is where growth starts.

When you stop chasing her approval, you start noticing what’s happening inside you, the fear of rejection, the anger that hides the hurt, the exhaustion of always trying to get it right. That’s where real change begins.

Your wife doesn’t need a perfect, endlessly agreeable version of you. She needs a grounded one, a man who can stay when things are hard, who can own his part without collapsing, who can care about her feelings without losing himself.

That’s what safety looks like to her. And ironically, that’s what freedom feels like to you.

Forward, Not Backward

Real growth isn’t about trying harder. It’s about showing up differently.

When you stop performing and start participating, you begin to feel something you haven’t felt in a long time, yourself.

You stop reacting to her moods and start paying attention to your own. You stop trying to earn her approval and start leading yourself with steadiness.

That’s when things begin to quiet down, not because everything’s perfect, but because you’re finally aligned with yourself again. That’s when change starts to last, not when she believes it, but when you do.

The moment you stop trying to go back, you open the door to something better than what you had before.

The Real Work of Change

Most men think they’re fighting for their marriage, but what they’re really fighting for is relief. They’re trying to escape the silence, the coldness, the rejection. But that’s not where intimacy is built.

You can’t fix your marriage without facing yourself.
You can’t build connection while avoiding your discomfort.

Real intimacy isn’t built on proving, it’s built on presence. And presence is uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been performing for a long time.

When you lead yourself with honesty and courage, you become the kind of man she can finally trust again. Not because you’re perfect, but because you’re real.

You can’t go back and you don’t need to. What you’re missing isn’t who she used to be. It’s who you used to be.

That part of you isn’t gone. He’s just been buried under the pressure, frustration, and quiet heartbreak of feeling unwanted for too long.

When you start showing up not to fix but to connect, that man comes back. And yes, it feels good when your wife softens, but nothing compares to how it feels when you know you’re finally showing up as the man you want to be.

Wrap-Up

The confidence you’ve been missing doesn’t come from her response, it comes from your alignment.

That’s what creates the kind of marriage that lasts, not one built on performance, but on honesty and grounded presence.

If this episode resonates, go back and listen to Episode 17, Why You Keep Losing It. It pairs beautifully with today’s conversation and shows how emotional steadiness creates connection, both with her and with yourself.

Because in the end, it’s never really about getting her back. It’s about coming home to yourself.

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need. And if you’re ready to take the next step, you can book a free call with me at the link in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.