27. Why You Keep Losing Your Temper (and How to Finally Take Back Control)

Episode 27: Why You Keep Losing Your Temper (and How to Finally Take Back Control)

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men with Alisa Stoddard

Introduction

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help successful men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

You know that feeling when you can sense it building, your jaw tightens, your chest gets hot, and you know you should walk away, take a breath, do something. But before you know it, you’ve said something sharp, maybe even cruel, and now the room is quiet.

She isn’t saying anything. You already know what she’s thinking, and you hate that it’s happened again. The shame comes in quick and hot, that sinking feeling in your gut when the anger fades and all that’s left is guilt and regret.

You tell yourself you’ll do better next time, but you’ve said that before. You’ve probably even read the books, watched the videos, and told yourself you just need to control your temper.

That’s not really the problem. The problem isn’t the anger, it’s what’s underneath it.

This episode isn’t about fixing your wife or counting to ten before you blow up. It’s about understanding what’s actually happening inside you when anger takes over—because once you see that clearly, you can finally start to change it.

Welcome to Episode 27: Why You Keep Losing Your Temper (and How to Finally Take Back Control).

When Anger Isn’t What It Seems

One of my clients, a man most people would call successful – he built a thriving company, employed dozens, carried himself with total confidence, was quietly losing control behind the scenes.

In his personal life, and even at work, his anger ran the show. When his wife asked hard questions, he got loud and dismissive. When his team raised concerns, he cut them off. It worked, people stopped challenging him, but it also left him isolated.

I remember telling him one day, “You know, they probably think you’re the asshole in the room.” He didn’t like hearing it, but he knew it was true.

Anger had become his tool for control, easier to push people away than to admit he didn’t have the answers.

For men like him, anger often isn’t rage, it’s fear. Fear of being questioned, fear of not knowing, fear of looking weak.

He believed a man was supposed to always have the answer, fix the problem, never show uncertainty. So when he didn’t know what to do, he panicked. But panic didn’t fit his image – so it came out as anger.

The Fear Beneath the Fire

When you feel cornered or challenged and your instinct is to dominate or dismiss, that’s not confidence, it’s fear wearing a mask.

That fear doesn’t make you weak; it just means no one taught you another way to respond.

Most men were trained from a young age to be steady, competent, and reliable. So when something pokes at that, when you feel misunderstood or questioned, it stirs up something deeper.

You might not even recognize it as fear. It can feel like irritation or defensiveness, but underneath, it’s usually something more human: inadequacy, confusion, or shame.

And when those feelings surface, anger steps in to protect you.

Anger is fast and familiar, it gives a false sense of control. It’s your body saying, “I feel small, so I’ll get big instead.”

But the truth is, the thing that makes you feel strong in the moment is often the same thing that makes you feel ashamed later.

Seeing Anger for What It Is

Anger isn’t the enemy, it’s a signal. It’s your body’s way of saying, “There’s something here I don’t know how to handle.”

Once you see that, you can start to change it. You can pause instead of react. You can respond with strength instead of reactivity.

That’s when everything starts to shift, at home, at work, everywhere.

The Power of the Pause

You can’t just tell yourself to calm down. That’s like yelling at the wind to stop blowing.

Instead, start by noticing what’s happening in your body, the tightening chest, the heat, the racing thoughts. That’s your first clue.

Pause and say, “Something in me feels threatened right now.”

That moment of awareness is the beginning of emotional maturity. You can’t control whether you get triggered, but you can control what you do next.

Ask yourself, “What part of me just got poked?” Maybe it’s embarrassment, fear of failing, or frustration that she doesn’t see your effort.

That pause gives you access to choice and that choice is real power.

The Illusion of Control

Here’s what most men miss: anger doesn’t give you control, it takes it from you.

When anger runs the show, it decides what gets said, how close people can get, and how long the distance will last.

It gives you the illusion of strength while robbing you of connection. It lets you win an argument but lose intimacy.

That’s the cruel tradeoff: anger gives you the upper hand in the moment and hands you guilt when it’s over.

Breaking the Shame Cycle

You know that heavy silence after a blow-up, the air thick with guilt and distance. You tell yourself you’ll apologize later, but you don’t know how. So you stay quiet, and she stays quiet, and the gap grows.

Guilt turns to shame. Shame tells you that you are the problem, that it’s too late to change. And when you believe that, anger becomes your armor again, through sarcasm, withdrawal, or resentment.

You protect yourself from vulnerability, but in doing so, you protect the version of yourself that doesn’t know how to connect.

What Real Power Looks Like

This isn’t about never feeling angry. It’s about staying in control of yourself when emotions come up, that’s power.

Every time you pause instead of react, you rewire your nervous system. You teach yourself that safety doesn’t come from control, it comes from awareness.

You learn you can handle discomfort without blowing up or shutting down.

That’s real confidence, not pretending to know everything, but trusting that you can handle anything.

The Shift

When you slow down and pay attention to what’s underneath, you take back control, not over others, but over yourself.

That’s the kind of strength your marriage, your kids, and your leadership need from you. Not the loud, forceful kind, but the calm, grounded kind.

The kind that earns quiet respect all on its own.

Wrap-Up

If this episode stirred something in you, sit with it. Think about the last time you lost your temper and ask yourself: What part of me felt unseen, unappreciated, or afraid?

That’s where the real work begins.

When you understand that part of yourself, anger no longer controls you – you do. You’ll find more patience, more influence, and more peace.

Because real strength isn’t in managing anger, it’s in mastering awareness.

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need.

And if you’re ready to take the next step, you’ll find the link to book a free call in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.