38. Why Talking About Intimacy Keeps Backfiring for Men

Ep 38: Why Talking About Intimacy Keeps Backfiring for Men

INTRO

Most men don’t struggle with intimacy because they don’t ask.
They struggle because asking has become the only move they know how to make.

And when it keeps going badly, when it turns into arguments, shutdowns, or awkward silence, it starts to feel confusing fast.

You’re doing what you’ve been told to do.
Communicate. Be honest. Say what you want.

So why does it keep backfiring?

That’s what we’re talking about today.

Because the mistake most men make when they ask for intimacy isn’t obvious.
It feels reasonable. Logical, even.

But it quietly shuts desire down.

What I see over and over, with successful, capable men, is this.
They focus almost entirely on the ask without realizing how they’re showing up everywhere else.

And the way they’re showing up often feels more like teenage or college-level energy than adult masculine presence.

Not intentionally.
Not because they’re immature.

But because no one ever showed them what emotional leadership actually looks like inside a long-term relationship.

So you get jokes that miss the mark.
Playful grabs that feel awkward instead of connecting.
Comments that were meant to lighten the mood but land as pressure or irritation.

And when intimacy doesn’t follow, the confusion deepens.

You start wondering what’s wrong with you.
You question whether she’s still attracted to you.
You feel rejected, even when nothing is being said out loud.

This episode is about understanding why that pattern exists, and more importantly, what actually changes when a man stops relying on the ask and starts leading emotionally.

Because intimacy doesn’t come from pushing harder.
It comes from how you show up.

And that’s something you can learn.

Welcome to episode 38 Why Talking About Intimacy Keeps Backfiring for Men

SECTION 1: WHY THE ASK KEEPS FAILING

When men come to me, they’re usually very focused on one thing.
The moment they ask for intimacy.

They replay what they said.
How they said it.
Whether the timing was right.

What they don’t tend to look at is how often they don’t actually ask at all.

A lot of men hint.

They hover.
They make comments.
They try to signal interest without fully putting themselves out there.

That usually comes from fear of rejection.
If you don’t ask directly, you don’t have to hear no.

But that dance isn’t fun to be on the receiving end of.
It feels unclear.
It feels juvenile.
And it creates pressure without honesty.

So now you’ve got distance, mixed signals, and tension layered on top of each other.

At the same time, many men are showing up with behaviors that worked earlier in life.
Joking.
Grabbing.
Trying to keep things light instead of grounded.

In a long-term relationship, that energy doesn’t feel confident or attractive.
It feels disconnected.

And here’s another piece women get stuck on, even if they don’t always say it out loud.

Being a partner means sharing responsibility for the life you live in.
Not helping.
Not waiting for instructions.
Not doing tasks to earn something.

Many men will say, “I did the things she asked me to do.”

What they miss is that she had to make the list, track it, and follow up.
That doesn’t feel like partnership.
It feels like management.

And when effort feels transactional, desire shuts down.

None of this creates emotional safety.
None of it creates attraction.

So when intimacy gets brought up, directly or indirectly, it lands on top of frustration, exhaustion, and emotional distance.

From his side, it feels confusing.
From her side, it feels like more pressure.

This is where emotional leadership matters.

Emotional leadership is steadiness.
Clarity.
Taking responsibility for how you show up without waiting to be told.

It’s being an adult partner in the relationship, not a hopeful teenager trying to read the room.

When that shifts, intimacy stops feeling like a negotiation and starts feeling like a natural extension of connection.

SECTION 2: WHAT EMOTIONAL LEADERSHIP ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

When men hear the phrase emotional leadership, it can sound vague or intimidating.
Like it means becoming overly emotional or constantly talking about feelings.

That’s not what this is.

Emotional leadership is about how you carry yourself in the relationship.
It’s the difference between reacting and responding.
Between managing your own internal state and expecting your partner to do it for you.

At a practical level, emotional leadership shows up in consistency.
You say what you mean.
You follow through.
You don’t make her guess where you stand.

It shows up in how you handle tension.
You don’t withdraw.
You don’t lash out.
You stay present, even when things feel uncomfortable.

It also shows up in responsibility.
Not just for tasks, but for the tone of the relationship.

You notice when distance is creeping in and you address it early.
You take ownership of your part without defensiveness.
You don’t keep score or wait for appreciation before showing up.

This kind of steadiness creates safety.
And safety is what allows attraction to exist over time.

From there, intimacy becomes simpler.
Asking feels clean.
Desire feels mutual.
Connection feels possible again.

What I see when men start practicing emotional leadership is a shift in how the relationship feels.
Less tension.
Less guessing.
More ease.

Not because everything is suddenly perfect, but because the dynamic has changed.

And this is important.
Emotional leadership doesn’t mean being dominant or controlling.
It means being grounded, self-aware, and reliable.

When a man shows up this way, intimacy stops feeling like something he has to chase.
It becomes something that grows naturally out of connection.

SECTION 3: WHAT KEEPS MEN FROM STEPPING INTO EMOTIONAL LEADERSHIP

Most men don’t avoid emotional leadership because they don’t care.
They avoid it because it feels risky.

When you’ve been rejected, brushed off, or met with frustration enough times, you learn to protect yourself.
You pull back.
You hedge.
You keep things light.
You stop being direct.

That’s where hinting comes from.
It feels safer than asking.
It feels less exposing than naming what you want.

But safety strategies eventually become barriers.

Men were raised to believe their value comes from producing.
From working.
From solving problems and delivering results.

So when something feels off in the relationship, many men default to what they know.
Fix it.
Handle it.
Do the thing.

In the home, that often turns into checking boxes.
Listening for instructions.
Completing tasks.

Some men resent this altogether.
They feel annoyed that household effort seems tied to sex or connection.
Others comply, do what they think was asked, and still feel like they missed something.

What gets missed is the deeper message.
She wasn’t asking for help.
She was looking for partnership.
For shared ownership of the life you’re building together.

Doing tasks to get something in return doesn’t create closeness.
It creates tension.

And when effort feels transactional, desire shuts down.

From his side, it feels unfair.
“I did what she said.”
“I handled my part.”

From her side, it feels lonely.
Like she’s carrying the mental load and managing the relationship instead of sharing it.

There’s also a deeper fear most men don’t name.
If I show up fully and it still doesn’t change, then what?

As long as you’re half in, you can tell yourself there’s more you could do.
Once you’re grounded, direct, and emotionally present, there’s nowhere left to hide.

That’s uncomfortable.
So men stay busy.
They overwork.
They over-hobby.
They distract themselves instead of dealing with the ache underneath.

None of this makes men weak or incapable.
It makes them human.

But it does keep intimacy stalled.

Emotional leadership requires tolerating discomfort without turning it into pressure, withdrawal, or performance.
It requires staying steady even when you don’t get immediate reassurance.
It requires self-respect that doesn’t hinge on how she responds in the moment.

This is where many men realize they’ve been waiting for the relationship to feel safer before they change how they show up.
And it doesn’t work that way.

The shift happens when a man decides to show up differently first.
Not to earn intimacy.
Not to prove anything.
But because he wants to live as a grounded, responsible partner.

That decision alone changes the dynamic.

SECTION 4: WHAT CHANGES WHEN MEN LEAD EMOTIONALLY

When men begin stepping into emotional leadership, the first change isn’t usually in the bedroom.
It’s in the tone of the relationship.

Things feel calmer.
Less brittle.
Less like everyone is bracing for the next misstep.

One of the biggest shifts is that the man stops waiting for instructions.
He notices what needs attention.
He takes responsibility for the life he’s part of without being asked or managed.

That doesn’t mean doing everything.
It means owning his share in a way that feels adult and reliable.

Emotionally, he becomes clearer.
He says what he wants without hovering or hinting.
He can tolerate hearing no without collapsing or pulling away.

That alone changes the dynamic.

Conversations feel more grounded.
Disagreements don’t escalate as quickly.
There’s less silent tallying of who did what and more mutual respect.

Another shift is internal.

Men stop tying their worth to immediate outcomes.
They don’t need intimacy to happen right now to feel okay with themselves.
They stay steady even when the response isn’t what they hoped for.

That steadiness is attractive.

It communicates confidence without bravado.
Presence without pressure.
Desire without neediness.

Over time, intimacy begins to feel less loaded.
Less like a referendum on the relationship.
More like a natural extension of connection.

What I often hear from men at this point is surprise.
“I didn’t realize how tense things felt before.”
“I didn’t see how much pressure I was putting on the situation.”

And from their partners, even if it’s not said directly, there’s a softening.
More openness.
More ease.
More willingness to engage.

This doesn’t happen overnight.
And it isn’t linear.

There are missteps.
Old habits resurface.
Fear shows up again.

But once a man experiences this shift, he doesn’t want to go back.
Because the relationship feels better.
And he feels better inside himself.

This is what sustainable intimacy is built on.
Not strategy.
Not tactics.
But how you carry yourself day to day.

SECTION 5: THE OVERWORKING PATTERN

There’s a pattern I see over and over with men who feel disconnected in their relationships.

When intimacy starts slipping, they don’t usually slow down.
They speed up.

They work longer hours.
They take on more responsibility.
They stay productive.

On the surface, it looks responsible.
They’re providing.
They’re handling things.
They’re not causing trouble.

Underneath, something else is happening.

Work becomes a place where effort is rewarded.
Where results are clear.
Where competence is visible.

Home doesn’t feel like that.

At home, there’s ambiguity.
Emotion.
No clear metrics for success.

So men lean into the environment where they know how to win.

They tell themselves they’re doing the right thing.
They’re tired.
They’re carrying a lot.

But emotionally, they’re not very available.

Even when they’re physically present, they’re distracted.
Still in work mode.
Still solving problems.
Still somewhere else.

From their partner’s perspective, it feels like distance.
Like she’s living alongside someone who’s always half gone.

She may stop reaching out.
She may stop asking.
Not because she doesn’t care, but because it feels pointless.

Over time, intimacy fades quietly.

What shifts for these men isn’t cutting back on work or becoming someone else.
It’s recognizing what overworking has been protecting them from.

Overworking keeps them from feeling exposed.
From risking rejection.
From sitting in discomfort without an escape hatch.

When a man begins to lead emotionally, he notices this pattern in himself.
He doesn’t shame it.
He doesn’t deny it.

He starts staying present instead of staying busy.

That might look like being mentally at home when he’s at home.
Engaging in conversation instead of defaulting to a screen.
Letting moments of awkwardness pass without retreating.

This is where intimacy has room to return.

Not through grand gestures.
Through availability.

Through being willing to be seen when there’s no performance to hide behind.

For many men, this is the first time they realize how much effort they’ve been putting into avoiding vulnerability, while calling it responsibility.

And once they see it, they can’t unsee it.

CLOSING

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this.

Intimacy doesn’t grow out of asking better questions or finding the right moment.
It grows out of how you show up in your life and in your relationship.

When you lead emotionally, things shift.
Not because you’re trying to get something.
Because the energy of the relationship changes.

You become clearer.
Steadier.
More present.

And intimacy has room to exist again.

This isn’t about becoming softer or different from who you are.
It’s about becoming more solid in yourself.
Less reactive.
Less avoidant.
More grounded.

If you listened to this and recognized yourself, especially in the overworking or checking out patterns, that awareness matters.
It’s often the beginning of change.

A conversation with me isn’t about convincing you to do anything.
It’s about clarity.

We look at how you’re currently showing up, what’s working, what isn’t, and whether this is something you want to invest time and energy in changing.

This work is for men who are serious about their relationships and willing to do something different.
Not perfect.
Not dramatic.
Just honest and intentional.

If that sounds like you, you can book a call through my website.

And whether you do or don’t, I’m glad you’re here and that you’re listening.

That kind of attention to your inner life and your relationship matters more than you probably realize.

Alisa Stoddard Coaching | Certified Life Coach