24. Why Putting Your Wife on a Pedestal Hurts Your Marriage

Episode 24: Why Putting Your Wife on a Pedestal Hurts Your Marriage

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men with Alisa Stoddard

Introduction

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help successful men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

Have you ever heard a man say, almost proudly, “I treat my wife like a queen. I put her on a pedestal”? It sounds noble, like the ultimate way to show love and respect. But pedestals don’t create intimacy, they create distance.

When you put someone on a pedestal, you’re not honoring them; you’re admiring them from below. You make them something pretty to look at, but not someone to take seriously when it really matters.

That’s what we’re talking about today.

Welcome to Episode 24: Why Putting Your Wife on a Pedestal Hurts Your Marriage.

My Story

In my first marriage, the idea of putting women on a pedestal was everywhere. It wasn’t just my husband, it was his dad, his brothers, even the way the men in that family talked.

At first, it sounded nice. Who wouldn’t want to be lifted up and admired? But what I realized was that pedestal talk didn’t give me more value. It gave me less.

My ex-husband always opened doors for me, and I’m not against gestures like that. But when they’re paired with the mindset that says I get the final say, the gesture feels hollow. Yes, he opened the door, but he also believed his opinion carried more weight about money, family, direction, decisions that mattered.

It wasn’t just us. His mom, sisters-in-law, other women were part of conversations, but never the final decision-makers. The outside world saw a family that treated women like queens. Inside, it felt like being polished and admired, but not taken seriously as a partner.

That’s what pedestal language does. It dresses itself up as honor, sounds like respect, but underneath it says, “I’ll treat you well in ways that make me look good, while still reserving the power for myself.”

For many women, especially those raised in religious or traditional cultures, this feels normal. But the cost is the same, their voices carry less weight. For me, the pedestal didn’t feel flattering; it felt infantilizing. I was something to protect and display, not someone whose perspective truly mattered.

Where This Comes From

For many men, it starts in the family. You see your dad or uncles saying, “A real man puts a woman on a pedestal.” You hear your mom praised as the heart of the home, admired, but not included in major decisions.

Then there’s society: “Be a gentleman. Ladies first. Protect her. Pay for dinner.” None of those things are bad, but if that’s all you know, you start believing that performing honor is the same as building partnership.

And in some religious or cultural settings, the message is reinforced: men hold authority; women are honored but not empowered. No one sets out to demean women, it’s just the model handed down for generations.

But here’s the problem: that pedestal leaves women admired but unheard, visible but voiceless, honored in words but excluded in weighty decisions. That’s not intimacy. That’s theater.

The Hidden Motive

Sometimes, putting your wife on a pedestal isn’t about her, it’s about you.

When you do it, you get to feel like the hero. You get to say, “I treat her so well,” and that feels good. You check the boxes of being a good husband without doing the harder work of sharing power, listening deeply, or letting her way be the final way.

It also gives you cover. As long as you’re doing the visible things, the flowers, the doors, the compliments, you don’t have to ask the tougher questions:

• Do I let her voice weigh as much as mine?
• Do I stay in the room when her perspective challenges me?
• Do I really know her, or just the idea of her I’ve created?

Admiration isn’t empathy. Courtesy isn’t a connection. Saying she’s “above you” doesn’t mean you’ve entered her world or felt what it’s like to carry her load.

Empathy requires humility. It means slowing down long enough to listen, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means staying in the room when you want to walk out. That’s where intimacy grows.

From Performance to Presence

So what do you do instead of putting her on a pedestal? The shift is simple, but not easy: move from performance to presence.

Your wife doesn’t want to be worshiped; she wants to be known. She doesn’t want to be polished and displayed; she wants to be seen, heard, and valued as she really is.

Respect isn’t about gestures that look good from the outside. It’s about what you do when no one’s watching. It’s staying in the hard conversation instead of storming out. It’s listening long enough for her perspective to land. It’s letting her voice influence you, even when you don’t get the final say.

When you stop trying to be the hero and start trying to be the partner, everything changes. She feels valued, and you get the closeness you’ve been craving. Intimacy doesn’t come from admiration; it comes from connection.

Practical Shifts

• Instead of saying, “I treat her like a queen,” ask, “What makes you feel most respected by me?”
• Instead of storming out when you don’t agree, stay in the room and say, “Help me understand why this matters to you.”
• Instead of assuming your gestures prove love, check in: “Does this feel meaningful to you, or would something else feel better?”
• Instead of trying to be the hero, aim to be her partner. Share decisions, even when it stretches you.

That’s the real measure of intimacy, not how good you look on the outside, but how connected she feels on the inside.

Wrap-Up

Putting your wife on a pedestal isn’t respect, it’s performance. From the outside, it looks admirable. Inside, it leaves her feeling small, unheard, and disconnected.

She doesn’t want to be worshiped; she wants to be known. She doesn’t want to be admired from a distance; she wants to be beside you, voice to voice, heart to heart.

The shift from pedestal to presence isn’t about doing more for her. It’s about being more with her. That’s where the closeness grows. That’s where intimacy feels real.

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need. And if you’re ready to take the next step, you can book a free call with me at the link in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.