23. Why Fighting and Silent Treatments Don’t Bring You Closer

Episode 23: Why Fighting and Silent Treatments Don’t Bring You Closer

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men with Alisa Stoddard

Introduction

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help successful men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

Is your marriage stuck in the fight and silent treatment cycle? Here’s how it usually looks. Your wife brings something up — maybe you forgot to do what she asked, or brushed something off that mattered to her. You think it’s not a big deal, but to her, it is. Instead of talking it through, the spark catches.

A small frustration turns into a blow up. Voices get sharper, tempers flare, and suddenly you’re both defending yourselves or firing back. Here’s the kicker: the blow up usually isn’t even about what started it. The real issue gets buried under layers of anger, hurt feelings, and old resentments.

And then comes the silence. Not the comfortable kind, but the heavy, punishing kind. Dinners are awkward, nights are quiet, and both of you are left stewing in your own thoughts. The cycle repeats. One of you pushes, the other withdraws. Neither side feels closer or understood. Both of you walk away wounded.

Maybe you’ve told yourself this is just how you are, or that all couples fight. But deep down, you know it’s not working. Fights don’t bring you closer, and silent treatments don’t resolve anything. They aren’t communication. They’re walls. And every time those walls go up, connection goes down — emotional, physical, and sexual.

Welcome to Episode 23: Why Fighting and Silent Treatments Don’t Bring You Closer.

My Story

When I think back to my family growing up, I remember both sides of communication. There were times when my parents seemed to talk things through, and other times when it felt like there was no communication at all. Fighting wasn’t the norm, but tension was. My mom was often visibly irritated, sometimes ignoring, sometimes critical. Looking back, I suspect she tried and eventually got tired.

Those patterns didn’t stay in the past. They followed me into adulthood.

In my marriage, I don’t actually remember the details of most arguments. I couldn’t tell you what triggered them. What I do remember are the silent treatments. Days — sometimes even a full week — of no conversation. Dinners were awkward, the air was heavy, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. So I kept the family moving, kept meals on the table, and kept routines going. On the outside, everything looked fine. On the inside, I felt powerless and disconnected. Nothing ever truly got resolved.

What I’ve come to understand is this: silent treatments are not communication. They’re punishment. They send the message, “You’re not worth talking to. You don’t matter enough to work this out.” That’s why they cut so deeply.

Fights carry their own hidden message too: “If I win, maybe I’ll finally prove I matter. Maybe I’ll finally be heard.”

That’s why winning feels so important. It isn’t about the issue at hand. It’s about worth. But neither approach works. Winning doesn’t create closeness. Silence doesn’t create safety. Both leave you further apart.

For me, striving for perfection only made things worse. It came from my own social and religious upbringing — believing that doing everything right would guarantee peace and approval. That striving harmed both of us. It made me rigid, defensive, and always on edge. What finally helped was dropping how seriously I took myself. When I stopped needing to be flawless, when I could laugh at myself and admit mistakes, everything shifted.

Why Fights and Silent Treatments Fail

On the surface, fighting and silence look like opposite strategies. Fighting is loud, emotional, and in your face. Silent treatments are cold, quiet, and withdrawn. But they’re two sides of the same coin. Both are ways of protecting yourself. Both come from fear. Both say, “I don’t feel safe with you.”

Think about what happens in a fight. One person feels hurt, brings it up, and the other gets defensive. Suddenly it’s no longer about solving the issue — it’s about proving who’s right. The original problem gets lost.

Silent treatments look calmer, but they’re just as destructive. Silence is withdrawal. It says, “I’m not going to fight you, but I’m not going to connect with you either.” It leaves your spouse stewing, rejected, and shut out. The longer it drags on, the more resentment grows.

And let’s be honest, fights and silence don’t just affect the two of you. They affect your kids. Kids feel the tension. They notice the slammed doors, the icy dinners, the parent sleeping on the couch, or even in separate rooms. Those choices send strong messages. Without repair, kids grow up believing either marriage is too painful or disconnection is normal. And the cycle repeats.

A Client’s Story

One of my clients told me he always played the victim. Every conversation felt like an attack. His wife eventually gave up trying to connect.

He later realized this wasn’t really about her. It came from growing up in a home where kids were “seen and not heard.” He didn’t have a voice. As a boy, he learned to keep quiet, which left him feeling powerless and voiceless. In his marriage, those old feelings came rushing back. His defensiveness wasn’t about her words — it was about fear of being dismissed, fear of being worthless.

Because he never saw healthy disagreements modeled, he had no idea how to handle conflict. So he fought to prove he mattered, and his marriage paid the price.

The good news is, once he could name the pattern, everything started to shift. His wife didn’t suddenly trust the changes. She was skeptical. She honestly thought it might be too late. But what changed was him.

He stopped twisting every comment into an attack. He stopped playing the victim and started taking responsibility. He began listening — not to defend, but to understand. That shift didn’t erase the past, but it gave him the ability to show up differently. And that’s the kind of change that lasts.

Shifts That Create Connection

So if fights and silent treatments don’t work, what does? Here are a few shifts:

• Stop taking everything as a personal attack.
• Admit mistakes quickly.
• Disagree without disconnecting.
• Use humor and humility to diffuse tension.
• Focus on repair, not winning.

These don’t erase conflict, but they make it survivable. They create safety and intimacy instead of walls.

Wrap-Up

Fights and silent treatments are not communication. They’re walls. Every time they go up, connection goes down.

Underneath both patterns is the same struggle: worth. Fighting says, “If I win, maybe I’ll matter.” Silence says, “If I withdraw, maybe I’ll stay safe.” Neither one works.

What does work is maturity — admitting mistakes, disagreeing without disconnecting, using humor and humility, and focusing on repair.

The point isn’t to avoid conflict. The point is to use it to build connection instead of distance. When you do that, your marriage changes — and so do you.

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need. And if you’re ready to take the next step, you can book a free call with me at the link in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.