34. When Your Marriage Is About You (More Than You Realize)

Episode 34: When Your Marriage Is About You
(More Than You Realize)

INTRO

Most men listening to this would say they’re trying.

They’re not checked out.
They’re not indifferent.
They’re not just going through the motions.

They care about their marriage. They think about it more than they admit. They worry about it, even when they don’t say that out loud.

And yet, something feels off.

Effort hasn’t turned into closeness.
Doing more hasn’t created desire.
Showing up hasn’t brought the connection you hoped it would.

If that’s you, I want to offer something today that might feel uncomfortable at first, but also clarifying.

What if your marriage has slowly become the place you try to feel okay?

Not in a selfish way.
In a human way.

Many men are not actually relating to their wives.

They’re relating to how their wives make them feel about themselves.

That doesn’t make you manipulative or broken. It makes you someone who learned early on to manage your sense of worth through performance, approval, or getting things right.

So you become the good husband.
The reliable one.
The man who provides, sacrifices, and tries.

And on the outside, that can look like love.

But underneath it, there’s often something quieter happening.

You’re trying to feel wanted.
You’re trying to feel appreciated.
You’re trying to feel enough.

And when your relationship becomes the place where that work happens, pressure builds, even if no one names it.

Over time, you may feel frustrated, stuck, or resentful.

And over time, your wife may feel worn down or disconnected in ways she doesn’t know how to explain without it turning into another fight.

That gap is what we’re talking about today.

Welcome to episode 34 of Create More Intimacy. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and in this episode we’re going to talk about how men unintentionally turn their marriage into a way to feel okay, why that costs intimacy, and what changes when a man starts leading himself emotionally instead.

SECTION 1: PUTTING HER ON A PEDESTAL AND HOW IT SHIFTS THE DYNAMIC

A lot of men believe putting their wife on a pedestal is loving.

They admire her.
They talk about how strong she is.
They describe her as capable, organized, emotionally intelligent.

On the surface, that can look like respect.

But pedestalizing often serves another purpose.

It helps you steady yourself.

When she feels confident, you feel safer.
When she’s grounded, you feel less unsure.
When she approves of you, things feel okay.

And that can feel reassuring.

The problem is what happens to the relationship when this becomes the pattern.

When you put your wife on a pedestal, you don’t meet her as an equal partner.

She becomes the emotionally capable one.
The steady one.
The one who holds more of the relational weight.

At the same time, many men still maintain power in other ways.

They may control the money.
They may make final decisions.
They may expect her to manage the emotional climate of the relationship.

So what forms is an imbalance.

She carries emotional responsibility.
You retain authority or control.

And without meaning to, you place her in a parenting role.

She starts tracking your moods.
She starts managing your reactions.
She starts anticipating how to keep things calm or smooth.

And this matters because women don’t want to have sex with someone they feel responsible for.

Parenting energy and sexual energy do not coexist.

I’ve talked about this more fully in a previous episode on pedestalizing, ep 24, because it’s a pattern men often mistake for love.

What many wives experience instead is pressure.

They feel admired, but not partnered with.
Relied on, but not supported.
Needed, but not met.

And over time, that wears them down.

SECTION 2: WHEN YOUR ACTIONS ARE AIMED AT FEELING OKAY

Most men are not aware that there’s a quiet motive running underneath how they show up in their marriage.

They’re not thinking, “I’m doing this to feel okay.”

They’re thinking, “This should help.”
“This should make things better.”
“This should move us forward.”

But underneath those thoughts is often a need they don’t yet have language for.

They want to feel wanted.
They want to feel appreciated.
They want reassurance that they matter.

And very often, they want sex.

Not because sex is shallow.

Because it’s the only place they know how to feel connected.

So their actions start pointing toward outcomes.

They correct things.
They manage details.
They step in to oversee or fix.

Doing that brings a sense of calm. Things feel more contained. More predictable.

But from her side, it often feels like she’s being managed rather than partnered with.

She feels watched.
She feels evaluated.
She feels like her choices are being adjusted or improved.

That doesn’t create closeness.

The same dynamic shows up with effort.

Men plan trips, buy gifts, make sacrifices, or do things they believe should lead to connection.

And often, those gestures come with expectations they don’t fully recognize.

Sex.
Appreciation.
Validation.

When that doesn’t happen, they feel rejected.

“I did everything right.”
“I showed up.”
“I don’t understand why she still doesn’t want me.”

What’s usually missing from that picture is this.

The action wasn’t centered on her experience.

It was aimed at getting something back that would help him feel okay.

And because he doesn’t yet know how to access emotional connection, sex becomes the stand in for everything.

Connection.
Reassurance.
Relief.

He’s not wrong for wanting it.

But when sex is carrying the weight of his self worth and emotional stability, pressure builds without him realizing it.

And she feels it.

SECTION 3: WHAT QUIETLY HAPPENS TO HER

When a relationship becomes the place where one person is trying to feel okay, something subtle starts to happen on the other side.

It’s not usually dramatic.

There isn’t always yelling.
There isn’t always withdrawal right away.

More often, there’s a slow shift.

She starts conserving energy.

Not because she doesn’t care, but because it takes effort to constantly respond to someone else’s needs, expectations, or emotional cues.

She notices when attention comes with an agenda.
She notices when effort is tied to outcomes.
She notices when closeness feels like a request rather than an invitation.

And over time, she adapts.

She may stop bringing things up because it leads nowhere productive.
She may stop engaging emotionally because it feels safer.
She may stop opening herself sexually because the pressure is always there, even when no one says it out loud.

This isn’t punishment.

It’s self protection.

When a woman feels responsible for managing someone else’s sense of worth, desire fades.

Not out of spite.
Out of exhaustion.

From his side, it looks like she’s pulling away for no reason.

From her side, the relationship has started to feel like work.

Not shared work.
Emotional work.

And desire doesn’t grow where there’s obligation.

SECTION 4: WHY THIS IS SO HARD TO SEE WHILE YOU’RE INSIDE IT

This pattern doesn’t feel selfish from the inside.

It feels responsible.
It feels patient.
It feels like you’re doing your part.

Most men believe they are showing up.

They’re tracking effort.
They’re measuring fairness.
They’re focused on what they’re doing.

What they’re rarely tracking is impact.

They don’t notice that attention comes with expectation.
They don’t notice that effort is aimed at reassurance.
They don’t notice how often they’re waiting for something back.

Many men were never taught to locate their emotional needs internally.

They learned to look outward.

Achievement.
Approval.
Performance.

So when disconnection shows up, the relationship becomes the place they turn.

Relief feels like connection.
Validation feels like intimacy.

Until it doesn’t.

This is why men often feel blindsided.

From their perspective, nothing changed.

From her perspective, she’s been adapting for years.

SECTION 5: WHAT CHANGES WHEN YOU STOP USING THE RELATIONSHIP TO FEEL OKAY

When a man stops asking the relationship to regulate him, the shift is subtle.

There’s no dramatic moment.
No instant turnaround.

What changes is how he shows up.

He listens without translating everything into what it means about him.
He acts without needing immediate reassurance.
He engages without expecting something back.

His presence feels steadier.

From her side, pressure lifts.

She feels less responsible for his emotional state.
She feels more room to be herself.
She feels less managed or evaluated.

That doesn’t automatically restore intimacy.

But it removes what blocks it.

Connection doesn’t grow because you want it more.

It grows when the relationship no longer carries the weight of keeping you okay.

CLOSING

Many men struggle in their marriage not because they don’t care, but because they’re asking the relationship to do something it can’t do.

They’re asking it to make them feel okay.

When that happens, effort turns into pressure.
Attention turns into expectation.
Sex turns into a stand in for connection.

The work here isn’t trying harder.

It’s learning how to stand on your own feet emotionally.

If you recognize yourself in this episode and you’re ready to look honestly at how this dynamic is playing out in your relationship, I invite you to book a Relationship Clarity Call.

We’ll talk about what’s happening beneath the surface, where you’re giving your power away, and what it would look like to lead yourself emotionally instead of waiting, managing, or enduring.

You don’t have to keep repeating familiar patterns.

Real intimacy starts with self leadership.

Thanks for listening.

Alisa Stoddard Coaching | Certified Life Coach