15. When You Always Feel Attacked (But You’re Not)

Episode 15: When You Always Feel Attacked (But You’re Not)

How defensiveness kills intimacy – and what to do instead

You Think She’s Criticizing You

You think she’s criticizing you.
You think she’s trying to start a fight.
You think she just wants to tear you down.

But what if she’s just disagreeing with you… and that disagreement feels unbearable?
What if your constant need to defend, explain, or even win is actually driving the disconnection you’re trying to avoid?

This episode will challenge that instinct and help you see what’s really going on.

Defensiveness Isn’t Strength

Here’s what defensiveness often sounds like:

• “That’s not what I meant.”
• “You’re twisting my words.”
• “Can’t I just say something without you jumping on me?”
• “You’re always so sensitive.”

This isn’t clarity. It isn’t strength. It’s fear – dressed up as control.

Logic without emotional awareness isn’t maturity. You can’t build intimacy and defend your ego at the same time. What feels like “just explaining” to you often lands as rejection, dismissal, or a shutdown to her.

When she stops talking, you stop connecting. You become adversaries in the same house.

A Client Who Felt “Always in Trouble”

I have a client who said, “I feel like I’m always getting in trouble. I can’t say anything without her jumping down my throat.”

When we slowed it down, here’s what was really happening:
He’d share an idea – about the kids, money, whatever – and his wife would disagree. Not rudely. Not angrily. Just differently.

Before she could finish, he’d cut her off, sigh heavily, or say, “You always do this. You don’t listen to me.”

She wasn’t attacking. She was participating. But he took pushback as disrespect and shut it down immediately.

The belief was simple: disagreement equals disrespect. And if he wasn’t the one with the final say, he’d failed.

Where This Comes From: The “Final Say” Problem

Many men were raised with the message:

“You are the leader. You make the final decision. You protect. You fix.”

On the surface, that sounds admirable. But in practice, it can create a parent-child dynamic in marriage.

If you always insist on the final say, you strip away collaboration. You give off the subtle vibe that your wife’s input doesn’t matter – or worse, that she’s incapable.

And no adult wants to live in a relationship where they feel like the child.

If she knows you’ll interrupt, override, or explain away her ideas, staying quiet feels safer than trying to be heard. This shuts down real intimacy and creates distance.

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Happy

I often tell my clients:

You can be right or you can be happy – but not both.

Insisting on being right in every conversation is almost always about fear, not facts.

If you feel like disagreement means she doesn’t respect you, your sense of worth is hanging on a thread – and that’s a lonely place to live.

One client thought he and his wife were “incompatible.” In reality, she had simply grown, had more opinions, and used her voice. Instead of being curious, he got resentful.

If your identity is built on being the fixer, the strong one, the final decision-maker – any challenge will feel like rejection. But it’s not rejection. It’s an invitation to grow past control and toward connection.

What to Do Instead of Defending Yourself

When you feel the urge to explain, defend, shut down, or correct: pause.

Tell yourself:

• “She’s allowed to feel that way.”
• “I don’t have to agree – but I don’t need to fix it either.”
• “Her tone is not proof that I’m a failure.”

Then ask:

• “Can I hear her without interrupting?”
• “Can I stay present even when I feel challenged?”
• “Can I respond like a partner, not a prosecutor?”

Example:

Disconnected response:

“That’s not true. You’re exaggerating. I do plenty around here.”

Connected response:

“I can tell you’re frustrated. Can we talk about what feels unfair to you right now?”

One escalates tension. The other invites connection, even when it’s hard.

The Challenge This Week

Pay attention to your urge to defend.

You don’t have to fix everything.
You don’t have to explain yourself constantly.
You don’t have to panic every time she sees something differently than you.

Not every disagreement is a threat. Sometimes it’s just life – two people figuring it out together.

You can be the man who brings calm instead of chaos. Who listens longer. Who lets her have her voice without rushing to silence it.

And the more you do that, the more respected, appreciated, and emotionally connected you’ll feel.

Not because she changed –
But because you did.