5. Three Things Your Wife Actually Wants

Welcome to the Create More Intimacy podcast. I’m Alisa Stoddard and I help men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

Hello and welcome to the podcast. Three Things Your Wife Actually Wants, and it’s not what you think.

I’m Alisa Stoddard. And today we’re going to dig into something most men are never taught: what your wife actually wants from you.

And I’ll tell you right now, it isn’t more help and jobs and chores around the house. It isn’t more gifts, and it’s definitely not just more sex.

There are three things that women consistently crave in a relationship, and if you’re missing these, chances are she is feeling distant—and you might be feeling frustrated, confused, or rejected.

Look at Her

 

First up: look at her. And I don’t mean that glance across the kitchen or nod when she walks in. And I definitely don’t mean devouring her with your eyes.

What I do mean is really seeing her and paying attention to her. Notice her expressions. Notice her vibe, her presence.

One of the most common things women say—whether in conversation or even to their gynecologist—is this:

He doesn’t look at me anymore. It’s like we’re ships passing in the night.

Let that sink in.

Now let’s clarify something really important. Don’t look at her like you can’t wait to get your hands on her. That isn’t the attention she wants. She does not want to feel like an object or like the only time you notice her is when you’re hoping for sex.

If you’re hoping for sex every minute and constantly look at her that way, she feels like an object, not a person.

She wants to be seen as a whole human person—not just a body, not just a role, and certainly not a means to an end.

If she feels invisible or objectified, you cannot expect her to feel open or connected.

Ask yourself this—really honestly—do you actually see her? Do you pay attention when she walks in? Or have you gotten so used to her being there that you really don’t notice much anymore?

Talk to Her

 

Second point: talk to her. And I am not talking about surface-level updates or problem-solving kinds of things.

Don’t talk about the kids and the calendar and money. I mean, have a real conversation with her about how you are doing, about what you are thinking about, about what’s going on beneath the surface.

A client of mine recently said, “I have been under so much pressure at work. I just wanted my wife to be a soft place to land.”

But his wife wasn’t empathetic. In fact, she was kind of dismissive—and he couldn’t figure out why.

As we dug into it more, it became painfully clear: the trust was gone. The connection wasn’t there anymore.

They were still married, still parenting, still functioning—but the emotional bond? Nearly non-existent.

While he was wrapped up in his own stress, he had stopped seeing her. She was home all day with the kids, completely drained. And when she told him how exhausted she was, he brushed it off—because he felt exhausted too.

He got short with her, even resentful, because he felt she didn’t understand what he was carrying.

And here’s what I told him: You want from her what she wants from you.

They were both empty. Both depleted. And instead of turning toward each other with empathy and curiosity, they showed up with a whole slew of expectations:

Give me comfort. Give me connection. Help me out.

But without emotional safety, all those expectations just became pressure and points of resentment.

That’s what happens when we go silent. That’s what happens when we stop talking, stop sharing, stop listening.

If you want her to be emotionally available to you, you have to offer that to her too.

That means learning how to talk about more than just what went wrong at work or what needs fixing around the house. It means letting her into that deeper, more vulnerable place—sharing your fears and dreams and doubts, not just your stress.

And when she shares something with you, do not try to fix it. Stay present. Trust that she is capable.

She doesn’t want you to do what you do at work to her at home. She wants a partner.

Stop Leading With Physical Touch

 

Third one: stop leading with physical touch as your only way to connect.

This is huge because so many men feel like touch is the go-to. It’s how they show love. It’s how they relieve stress and feel close.

But here’s what I want you to understand: if emotional intimacy is missing, physical touch doesn’t feel like love—it feels like more pressure.

I know this not just because I’ve coached so many men through it, but because I’ve lived it.

There was a season in my own marriage where I felt completely disconnected from my husband. We were raising kids. He worked long hours. I was holding everything together at home, trying to do it perfectly.

I started dreading bedtime—because I knew the moment we got into bed, he would reach for me, and I didn’t want to be touched.

Not because I didn’t love him—but because I felt objectified, unseen. We hadn’t connected all day. We hadn’t had a real conversation in who knows how long—and suddenly I was supposed to be emotionally and physically open? I wasn’t.

And I felt so guilty about it. I wanted to want to—but all I really wanted was for him to just fall asleep quickly.

Our conversations were 99% about logistics. I wasn’t opening up either—because I didn’t want to hear more problems.

We were surviving—but we weren’t connecting. And in that space, touch just felt like an obligation. It was not a bridge.

That’s why I’m telling you—if you are trying to lead with physical touch but haven’t created emotional safety or any other means to connect—it’s not going to land. It might even backfire.

So ask yourself: how else are you creating intimacy in your relationship? Are you making her feel emotionally safe? Are you talking about real things? Are you seeing her as a person—or just hoping physical touch will fix what’s broken?

The Bottom Line

 

When a woman feels seen, heard, and safe, that’s when she can open up—not just physically, but emotionally too.

That kind of connection is what changes everything.

Let’s bring this together. There are three things your wife actually wants. They’re simple—but not always easy:

• Look at her—not with hungry eyes, but with presence and respect.
  • Talk to her—with vulnerability, curiosity, and no fixing.
  • Stop leading with touch. Create emotional safety first.

If this hits home, let me reassure you: this doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human—and you’ve been taught to show love in ways that aren’t fully landing with her.

But there’s good news. You’re 100% in control of this. You can change this.

You can learn how to speak her language again. You can learn how to rebuild connection without the chasing and the grab-ass she hates.

You can create a relationship where you feel valued—and so does she.

And if you’re not sure how to start, I can help you.

Thanks for listening. We’ll talk to you next time.

 

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need. And if you are ready to get help or take the next step, you’ll find the link to book a free call in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.