35. Three Questions I Know You’re Carrying This Week

Episode 35 : Three Questions I Know You’re Carrying This Week

INTRO

If you’re listening to this right now, I want you to know something.

This is a heavy season for a lot of men, even when everything on the outside looks fine.

There’s pressure to show up.
To hold things together.
To be steady.

And at the same time, there’s often a quiet awareness of what isn’t working, what feels strained, or what feels missing in your relationship.

You can be doing all the right things and still feel unsettled.
You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone with your thoughts.

There are questions that sit under the surface in moments like this.
They don’t usually get said out loud.
But they shape how you react, how hard you try, or how much you pull back.

Welcome to episode 34 Three Questions I Know You’re Carrying This Week.

SECTION 1: CAN THIS ACTUALLY BE REPAIRED?

This is usually the first question that shows up.

Not as a dramatic thought, not as a decision, but as a quiet concern that lingers in the background.

Can this actually be repaired?
Or is this just how it is now?

Most men don’t sit around asking themselves that directly. It comes out in smaller moments. In the hesitation before starting a conversation. In the calculation of whether it’s worth bringing something up. In the way you brace yourself for how an interaction might go.

You notice the distance.
You notice the tension.
You notice how easy it is to slip into logistics and avoid anything that might turn into conflict.

And over time, a question forms.

Is this fixable, or am I expecting something that isn’t realistic anymore?

What makes this question so heavy is that it usually comes after effort.

You’ve tried being patient.
You’ve tried working harder.
You’ve tried letting things go.
You’ve tried not making a big deal out of what hurts.

And when none of that creates real closeness, it starts to feel discouraging. Not just about the relationship, but about what your effort means.

A lot of men quietly wonder if the window for repair has already passed.
If they missed something.
If they waited too long.
If this is the version of the relationship they’re supposed to accept.

What I want you to hear here is this.

The presence of this question does not mean your relationship is beyond repair.

It means you care.
It means you’re aware.
It means you’re paying attention to something that matters to you.

Repair doesn’t start with the right words or the right strategy. It starts with understanding what’s actually happening underneath the distance. And most couples never slow down enough to do that.

They stay busy.
They stay polite.
Or they stay stuck in the same arguments.

And that keeps the question alive.

Can this actually be repaired?

We’re going to keep coming back to that as we move through the next two questions, because they’re connected. But for now, I want you to notice something.

If you’re asking this question, you haven’t given up.

And that matters.

SECTION 2: WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I’M EITHER TRYING SO HARD OR DISAPPEARING ENTIRELY?

This question usually shows up after the first one has been sitting there for a while.

You’re not sure if things can be repaired, so you start adjusting how you show up.

Some men respond by trying harder.

They initiate more.
They explain themselves more.
They work longer hours.
They do more around the house.
They push themselves to be better, calmer, more patient, more understanding.

They’re trying to matter.

And when that effort doesn’t change the emotional distance, it starts to feel invisible. Like all that energy just disappears into the relationship without landing anywhere.

Other men respond by pulling back.

They stop bringing things up.
They stop initiating conversations that feel risky.
They spend more time at work, in hobbies, or alone in their head.

Not because they don’t care, but because caring has started to feel discouraging.

For a lot of men, it swings between the two.

Trying hard.
Then disappearing.
Then trying again.
Then pulling back again.

What’s important to understand is that both of these responses come from the same place.

You’re trying to manage the discomfort of feeling unwanted, unappreciated, or unsure where you stand.

Neither approach is wrong. They’re understandable. They’re human.

But over time, this pattern quietly reshapes the relationship.

When you’re trying hard, it can start to feel like the marriage revolves around whether your effort is noticed or returned.

When you’re pulling back, it can start to feel like you don’t fully exist in the relationship at all.

And somewhere in the middle of that, frustration builds.

Because you didn’t get married to feel like you had to earn your place.
And you didn’t imagine a relationship where the safest move was to disappear.

This is also where men start to make the marriage about themselves without realizing it.

Not in a selfish way.
In a protective way.

You’re tracking your effort.
You’re tracking her response.
You’re constantly checking whether you’re doing enough or too much.

And that mental load is exhausting.

If this question resonates, I want you to hear this clearly.

You’re not failing at your marriage.
You’re responding to uncertainty.

And uncertainty, when it goes unaddressed, always shows up in patterns like this.

SECTION 3: WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME?

This question is usually the quietest one.

It doesn’t come with a lot of words.
It shows up as a feeling you don’t quite name.

You notice that something lands harder than it should.
That rejection feels personal, even when you tell yourself not to take it that way.
That disappointment sticks with you longer than you expect.

And eventually, a meaning starts to form.

Not consciously.
Not deliberately.

Just a subtle wondering about what this says about you.

Am I asking for too much?
Am I missing something everyone else seems to get?
Why does this matter to me as much as it does?

Most men don’t frame it as a question about worth or lovability.
They frame it as frustration.
Or resignation.
Or self-criticism.

But underneath it is a very human desire to feel chosen, wanted, and secure with the person who matters most.

When that’s uncertain, it doesn’t just affect how you feel about the relationship.
It affects how you feel about yourself inside it.

This is the part most men carry alone.

Not because they don’t have words, but because they’re not sure it’s allowed to matter this much.

If this question resonates, I want you to hear something clearly.

The fact that this still hurts doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
It means this connection matters to you.

And that’s not a weakness.
It’s a signal.

CLOSING

If you’ve been listening and quietly nodding along, that makes sense.

These three questions tend to travel together.

Can this be repaired?
Why does it feel like I’m always coming up short?
What does this say about me?

They don’t mean something is wrong with you or your marriage.
They mean you’re paying attention to something that matters.

Most men carry these questions privately.
They keep functioning.
They keep showing up.
They keep moving forward.

But the questions stay.

If there’s anything I hope you take from this episode, it’s this.

You’re not alone in carrying them.
And you’re not unusual for having them.

Awareness is often the first quiet shift.
Not answers.
Not action steps.
Just recognition.

So as you move through the next few days, notice what comes up.
Notice what you feel tempted to push down or explain away.

You don’t have to do anything with it right now.

Just let it be named.

Alisa Stoddard Coaching | Certified Life Coach