37. Stop Hoping Your Marriage Will Get Better, Why Waiting Keeps Men Stuck

Episode 37: Stop Hoping Your Marriage Will Get Better, Why Waiting Keeps Men Stuck

INTRO

Most men don’t realize they have more power to change their situation than they believe.

They think they’re stuck waiting. Waiting for the tension to ease. Waiting for their wife to be less distant. Waiting for the marriage to feel lighter, easier, more connected again.

And because waiting feels passive, it also feels safe. There’s no risk in hoping things improve. No discomfort in telling yourself, maybe this is just a phase, maybe spring will feel better, maybe it’ll work itself out.

But here’s what I want you to hear right away. Waiting is still a choice. And it’s a costly one.

If you’re listening to this, chances are you’re doing a lot right in your life. You show up. You provide. You try. And yet, at home, you may feel disconnected, frustrated, or quietly lonely in a way you don’t talk about much.

This episode isn’t about blaming you. And it’s not about fixing your wife or your marriage overnight.

It’s about helping you see where your influence actually is, because it’s more than you’ve been led to believe.

In just twelve weeks, spring will be here. And how you feel in your marriage when it arrives won’t be determined by luck or timing. It will be shaped by what you choose to do, or not do, starting now.

Today, I want to talk about why waiting keeps men stuck, and what changes when you stop hoping things improve and start engaging differently with yourself and your marriage.

Welcome to Episode 37 of the podcast, Stop Hoping Your Marriage Will Get Better.

SECTION 1: WHY WAITING FEELS REASONABLE, AND WHY IT KEEPS YOU STUCK

Waiting doesn’t feel like giving up.

For most men, it feels responsible. Patient. Even mature.

You tell yourself you’re avoiding conflict. You’re giving things time. You’re not overreacting. You’re being the steady one.

And on the surface, that makes sense.

The problem is that waiting slowly turns into avoidance, and avoidance quietly reshapes the relationship.

When you wait, you stop initiating conversations that feel uncomfortable. You stop leaning in to connect. You stop asking for what you want because it hasn’t gone well before. You tell yourself it’s not worth the fight, or that now just isn’t the right time.

Over time, your marriage doesn’t stay neutral. It drifts.

Connection fades. Resentment builds. Intimacy becomes awkward or transactional, or disappears altogether. And the longer this goes on, the harder it feels to know where to even start.

What makes this especially tricky is that many men are highly capable in other areas of life. When something isn’t working at work, you assess it, adjust your approach, and take action.

At home, those same instincts get tangled up with emotion, history, and fear of rejection. So instead of acting, you wait.

Not because you don’t care, but because you don’t know what to do that would actually help.

Waiting gives you the illusion of peace, but it quietly costs you closeness.

And the longer you stay there, the more it starts to feel like this is just how things are.

SECTION 2: WHERE YOUR REAL INFLUENCE ACTUALLY IS

One of the biggest reasons men keep waiting is because they misunderstand where their power is.

They assume influence means control. If I can’t make her feel differently, respond differently, or want something different, then I must be stuck.

But real influence in a marriage doesn’t work that way.

Your leverage isn’t in changing her behavior. It’s in changing how you show up emotionally, consistently, and over time.

Most men underestimate how much the emotional tone of the relationship is shaped by them. Not because they’re doing something wrong, but because they’ve been taught to focus on fixing problems instead of creating connections.

When you shift your focus from outcomes to engagement, things start to move.

That looks like staying present in uncomfortable moments instead of pulling back. It looks like expressing yourself without bracing for rejection. It looks like taking emotional risks even when there’s no guarantee of an immediate payoff.

This is where many men get discouraged. They try once, it doesn’t go well, and they decide it’s pointless.

But connection isn’t built in single moments. It’s built through repeated signals of safety, steadiness, and emotional availability.

When you change how you engage, the dynamic of the marriage changes. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes in subtle ways at first. But it does change.

And the men who see the biggest shifts are the ones who stop waiting for certainty and start leading themselves emotionally, even when it feels unfamiliar.

SECTION 3: WHAT WAITING CREATES FOR HER, EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE PROTECTING YOURSELF

When men pull back, it’s rarely because they don’t care.

More often, it’s because they’re afraid of rejection.

They’ve tried before. They’ve reached out, asked for closeness, initiated conversations, or leaned in emotionally. And somewhere along the way, it didn’t land. Maybe it turned into an argument. Maybe it was brushed off. Maybe it just didn’t go anywhere.

So they stop.

From their perspective, staying quiet feels like self-protection. If I don’t reach, I can’t be rejected. If I don’t ask, I can’t be turned down. If I don’t bring it up, I won’t make things worse.

But here’s the part most men don’t see until it’s named.

When you stay hidden, she often experiences that as rejection.

Not because she knows what you’re afraid of, but because all she can see is distance. Silence. A lack of emotional engagement.

What feels like caution on your side can feel like indifference on hers.

And over time, that gap grows.

She may stop initiating too. She may become critical or withdrawn. She may assume you don’t care, or that you’ve already emotionally checked out.

This is how two people can feel rejected at the same time, each quietly protecting themselves, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

From the outside, it looks like a disconnection.

Underneath it, it’s fear.

When men hear this, many finally recognize why waiting hasn’t created the safety or closeness they were hoping for. It puts language to something that’s been happening quietly for a long time.

Avoiding rejection doesn’t create closeness. It often creates the very distance you’re trying to prevent.

SECTION 4: WHY TWELVE WEEKS ACTUALLY MATTERS

There’s a reason this conversation feels more urgent right now.

As winter starts to lift, many people feel a quiet pull to reassess. The days get longer. Energy shifts. You start thinking about how you want to feel when spring really arrives.

For men who’ve been waiting in their marriage, this time of year can feel especially heavy. Another season passed. Another stretch of hoping things would improve. Another mental promise to revisit it later.

Twelve weeks is long enough to see real movement, but short enough that your current patterns are still close to the surface.

In that window, you can change how you show up in conversations. You can rebuild emotional safety. You can interrupt the habits that keep you silent or reactive. You can start feeling different in your own body, not just thinking differently.

What twelve weeks doesn’t allow for is staying vague.

Waiting another season rarely creates clarity. It usually just reinforces the same loops, the same distance, the same quiet resignation that nothing will really change.

This isn’t about fixing everything by spring.

It’s about deciding whether you want to enter the next season of your life still hoping things improve, or knowing you’re actively working on what matters most to you.

Most meaningful change in a marriage doesn’t come from dramatic moments. It comes from sustained, intentional effort applied consistently over time.

And twelve weeks is enough time to feel the difference between waiting and engaging.

You may be listening to this and realizing that twelve weeks feels like a real window for change.

That’s not an accident.

The work I do with clients is built around a twelve-week container for a reason. It’s long enough to slow down old patterns and build new ones, and short enough that you stay engaged instead of drifting.

This isn’t about quick fixes or dramatic overhauls. It’s about consistent, supported work during a season where change is actually possible.

You don’t need to know yet if this is right for you, a call is where we sort out what’s realistic and whether getting support makes sense.

SECTION 5: WHAT ACTUALLY STARTS TO CHANGE WHEN YOU STOP WAITING

When men stop waiting, the first thing that changes usually isn’t their marriage.

It’s them.

They feel steadier in their own body. Less reactive. Less internally tense. They stop replaying conversations or bracing for the next one.

That internal shift matters more than most men expect, because it changes how they show up everywhere, especially at home.

Conversations start to feel different. Not perfect, not magically easy, but more honest. There’s less defensiveness. Less posturing. More presence.

Men often notice that they’re no longer trying to win arguments or avoid them altogether. They’re staying in the conversation, even when it’s uncomfortable, without collapsing or escalating.

Over time, that steadiness creates something many relationships have been missing for a long time, safety.

When safety increases, intimacy has somewhere to land. Emotional closeness becomes possible again. Physical intimacy often follows, not because it’s demanded or negotiated, but because the dynamic has shifted.

What surprises many men is that even before the relationship fully changes, they feel different about themselves.

They respect how they’re showing up. They trust themselves more. They stop feeling like they’re waiting for permission to be okay.

And whether the marriage shifts quickly or more gradually, that internal clarity stays.

That’s the difference between hoping things improve and knowing you’re actively shaping the outcome.

CLOSING: WHAT YOU DO NEXT IS UP TO YOU

If there’s one thing I want you to take from this episode, it’s this.

Waiting is not neutral.

It shapes how you feel about yourself. It shapes how safe the relationship feels. And over time, it shapes what you come to expect from your marriage.

You don’t need certainty to begin. You don’t need guarantees. You don’t need your partner to change first.

You just need to be willing to stop hiding and start engaging differently.

Spring is coming. And how you feel in your marriage when it arrives will be influenced by the choices you make now, not all at once, not perfectly, but intentionally.

You can keep hoping things improve.

Or you can decide that this season matters enough to show up differently, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it feels unfamiliar.

If listening to this helped you see yourself more clearly, that alone is meaningful. Awareness is the beginning of change.

And if you’re ready to take the next step, whether that’s listening more closely, reaching out differently, or getting support, trust that instinct.

You don’t have to rush. But you don’t have to wait either.

Alisa Stoddard Coaching | Certified Life Coach