29. Stop “Helping Out” and Start Showing Up

Episode 29: Stop “Helping Out” and Start Showing Up

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men with Alisa Stoddard

Introduction

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help successful men stop chasing sex and start building real connections so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

The holidays have a way of amplifying the patterns we live with all year long: the tension, the disconnect, the pressure to make everything perfect. And even when you try to help, it doesn’t seem to land.

In this episode, we’re going to talk about why that happens, why “helping out” isn’t the same as showing up, and what it really looks like to be a partner instead of just a participant. You’ll learn how to ease the pressure she feels without losing yourself in the process and how to start feeling closer again, not just during the holidays, but all year long.

Because how you show up right now teaches you exactly how to show up in every other season too.

Welcome to Episode 29: Stop “Helping Out” and Start Showing Up.

Why “Helping Out” Doesn’t Help

You probably think you’re doing your part. You help with the kids, take out the trash, unload the dishwasher, maybe run an errand or two. You bring in the paycheck, and yet somehow she still seems irritated.

The holidays roll around and she’s on edge. You’re trying to stay out of her way, trying to be helpful but no matter what you do, it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

You tell yourself she’s just stressed, that she’ll calm down once everything’s done. But deep down, you’re wondering: What am I missing here?

She’s juggling a thousand invisible details, teacher gifts, travel plans, wrapping, cards, making the house festive. You offer to help: “What do you need me to do?” But no matter what you do, it never seems quite right.

You wrap the gifts; she redoes the bow. You load the dishwasher; she rearranges it. You take care of something; she’s still bugged.

So you wait for directions, thinking that’ll make things easier but it doesn’t. Because when you’re just checking boxes, you’re not partnering with her. You’re managing tasks. And she can feel that.

Even when you take something off her plate, she’s still the one keeping the list, tracking the details, and making sure it all gets done. She’s still the project manager of your shared life and that’s exhausting.

From Task Helper to True Partner

If you really want to be a partner, you can’t just take on a task. You have to take ownership.

That means following something all the way through even when it’s inconvenient, even when it doesn’t go as planned.

If the gift is out of stock, figure it out. If the flight changes, adjust. Don’t hand the problem back with, “What do I do now?”

The goal isn’t to lighten her load temporarily. The goal is to make sure she’s not the only one carrying it.

Showing up doesn’t always mean doing chores or buying gifts. It might mean planning a night with the kids so she can breathe, making dinner without being asked, or coordinating your side of the family’s plans.

Those moments say, “I see what needs to be done and I’ve got it.”

When you show up like that, you’re no longer a guest pitching in. You’re a partner building connection. And that difference changes everything.

Why This Pattern Keeps Showing Up

Helping feels logical when you’re solving a problem. But she experiences something entirely different.

Every time you ask, “What do you need me to do?” She’s reminded that she’s still the one carrying the mental load. She’s still the manager. And managing you keeps her in a constant state of low-grade stress.

It’s not that you’re lazy. Most men fall into this pattern because they’re scared they’ll do it wrong, that it won’t count, that they’ll be criticized anyway.

So they hang back, waiting for direction. At least that way, they can’t mess it up.

But waiting keeps you disconnected. Because intimacy can’t grow from a defensive posture.

Showing up means you’re willing to take emotional risk to lead even when you might not get it perfect. That’s where connection begins.

When you notice instead of waiting, when you act instead of asking, you create safety.

And safety is what allows a woman to soften, to relax, to meet you emotionally instead of managing you mentally.

That’s the difference between a marriage that runs on logistics and one that runs on connection.

From Compliance to Presence

You don’t have to overhaul everything this season. Just start noticing.

When you catch yourself defaulting to helping instead of owning, notice that. When you catch yourself asking for a list instead of taking initiative, notice that too.

Because every small shift from compliance to presence changes how she experiences you not just in December, but all year long.

You cannot earn connection by completing tasks. You can finish every list, hang every light, and still feel unseen.

Connection doesn’t come from completion. It comes from the presence of saying, “I see what matters to you, and I care enough to be in this with you.”

Helping is reactive. Showing up is responsive.
Helping keep score. Showing up takes ownership.

When you start showing up, you stop trying to avoid her frustration. You start creating steadiness. And that steadiness is what she’s been longing to feel.

When she no longer has to manage you, she can finally connect with you.

Three Steps to Start Showing Up

1. Choose one area to own.
   
   Pick something travel plans, lights, dinner, or gifts and take full responsibility from start to finish. No reminders, no hand-offs, no “what next?” questions. Handle it all the way through. 

   It’s not about showing how much you can handle. It’s about giving her the relief of not having to hold it at all.

2. Pay attention to what actually connects you.
   
   Tune in to your family. Listen to what the kids talk about, what they’re into, what makes them light up. Write those ideas down. Share them. Even if she doesn’t use them, she’ll see something in you that’s been missing a man who’s present, observant, and invested.
3. Focus on intention, not perfection.
   
   When you stay engaged instead of waiting for direction, you change the emotional tone of your home. You become steady, not reactive. Intentional, not passive. 

   That’s how trust rebuilds. That’s how connection grows.And when she feels that shift when she sees you showing up differently she won’t just feel supported. She’ll feel closer to you.

Wrap-Up

If you’re realizing this pattern shows up outside the holidays too, now’s the time to shift it.

Because this isn’t really about chores or errands. It’s about presence instead of pressure, leadership instead of withdrawal, steadiness instead of silence.

When you stop helping out and start showing up, you stop running your marriage on performance and you start building it on partnership.

If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need.

And if you’re ready to stop helping out and start showing up for your wife, your family, and yourself, you can book a call with me at alisastoddard.com or by using the link in the show notes.

I’ll see you next time.