25. Stop Delegating Your Happiness: Why Money, Sex, and Success Can’t Fix Your Marriage

Stop Delegating Your Happiness: Why Money, Sex, and Success Can’t Fix Your Marriage

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men with Alisa Stoddard

Introduction

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help successful men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

Today, we’re going to talk about something most men never stop to question, why your happiness always feels just out of reach, no matter how much you achieve or provide.

Let me ask you: What decides your happiness right now? Is it your wife’s mood? How much sex you’re having? The balance in your bank account? Your latest success at work? Or even the number on the scale?

Think about it, if she’s warm toward you, do you feel worthy? If she’s distant, do you feel small? If work is going well, do you relax? If it’s not, do you spiral?

That roller coaster isn’t just exhausting. It’s a trap, because you’ve delegated your happiness to your wife, your job, your kids, your money, or your achievements. You’ve put it everywhere except where it belongs: with you.

And here’s the part that might sting, men are trained into this from the very beginning. Maybe you grew up believing that if you worked hard, achieved, and provided, you’d finally be happy, respected, and loved.

But then midlife hits, and instead of fulfillment, you feel dismissed. Instead of intimacy, you feel like a paycheck. Instead of respect, you feel insignificant.

That’s because money, sex, and success can’t fix what’s broken inside. They can’t carry your worth and they were never meant to.

Outsourcing Your Happiness

When your happiness depends on everything and everyone outside of you, your nervous system never rests.

Your wife feels pressured to fix you, then resents you for it. You feel angry when she doesn’t and no one wins.

You start thinking, I’ve worked hard. I’ve checked all the boxes. Why don’t I feel loved or respected?

The truth is: you’ll never feel steady in your marriage, close to your wife, or respected by others until you stop outsourcing your happiness.

The Transaction Trap

One of my clients, a hardworking, successful man, told me he couldn’t understand why his wife had pulled away physically. He said, “I’m doing so much, and I’m not getting my needs met.”

What he didn’t realize was that he had turned sex into a transaction: I provide, I take care of things, so she should give me sex in return.

He didn’t say it that bluntly, but underneath his resentment, that’s exactly what was happening. He was measuring intimacy like an exchange rate, his effort for her body.

When we talked, I said the hard thing out loud: Do you hear how transactional that sounds?

It stung, but he got it. He saw how much of his worth he had delegated out, not just to his wife, but specifically to her body.

That’s a heavy burden for any woman to carry. When sex becomes proof of your worth, every “not tonight” feels like rejection. And when intimacy feels like obligation, desire shrinks.

The real issue wasn’t sex. It was where he had placed his happiness and worth outside of himself.

The Cost of Outsourcing

Maybe you recognize this. You’ve done the work, provided for your family, shown up for your kids, yet you still go to bed feeling unwanted or unappreciated.

Maybe it’s not just about sex. Maybe you’ve tied your happiness to your boss’s approval, your wife’s affection, your bank balance, or your success.

One good day and you’re on top of the world. One bad day and you’re spiraling.

That’s the cost of outsourcing your happiness. It keeps you chasing, unstable, and resentful. You start keeping score.

You think, I’ve worked hard, I deserve intimacy. I’ve provided, I deserve respect.

But life doesn’t work like a vending machine. You can’t pull a lever and expect love, connection, or happiness on demand.

Your wife isn’t the manager of your emotional balance sheet and she can feel the pressure of that expectation. Instead of drawing her closer, it pushes her further away.

The Roots of the Pattern

Almost every man I coach has been conditioned into this since boyhood.

As kids, boys are told: Work hard. Achieve. Provide. Succeed. Then you’ll be happy. Then you’ll be respected. Then you’ll get the girl.

That script gets reinforced through grades, sports, and promotions. The message is always the same: Your value depends on what you produce and who validates it.

So as adults, men run that same script in marriage, I’ll provide, I’ll show up, I’ll do everything right and she’ll respond with appreciation and affection.

But love and intimacy don’t follow the rules of achievement. They’re not transactions. They’re not prizes to be earned.

The more you try to earn them, the more disconnected you feel.

When the Marriage Bends Under the Weight

When your happiness depends on your wife, the marriage starts to bend under the weight of it.

At first, she might try to bridge the gap, be more affectionate, do more, stretch further, but it’s unsustainable.

Eventually, she pulls back. Not because she doesn’t care, but because she’s exhausted by the expectation.

You react by getting angry, withdrawing, or keeping score. The cycle deepens. Intimacy shrinks.

This is what so many men describe when they come to me, not just a lack of sex, but the quiet unraveling that happens when the marriage can’t carry the burden of your worth anymore.

The Shift: Holding Your Own Worth

The good news is, this pattern can be changed.

When men stop delegating their happiness and start holding their own worth, everything shifts. They become steadier. Their wives feel safer. Intimacy begins to grow again.

When you walk in the door grounded, not scanning her mood to decide how you’ll feel, she notices. The pressure lifts.

When she no longer has to manage your emotions, she can exhale. The relationship feels lighter, safer, and more connected.

And here’s the irony: when you stop chasing validation, you get more of what you wanted all along, warmth, respect, connection.

But now it’s not because you demanded it. It’s because you created the safety where it could grow.

Where Are You Outsourcing Your Happiness?

Ask yourself:

• Is your happiness tied to your wife’s mood or affection?
• To your paycheck or your boss’s approval?
• To whether your kids notice all you do for them?

If your sense of worth rises and falls with things outside of you, that isn’t happiness, it’s dependency. And it’s exhausting.

Every time you outsource your happiness, you give away your power. You hand the reins of your life to someone else.

Your wife can love you deeply, but she can never be the keeper of your worth.

Wrap-Up

So here’s your challenge:
Notice where you’ve been outsourcing your happiness. Notice the scorekeeping and the expectations.

Then ask yourself: What would it look like if I didn’t delegate out my happiness anymore?

What if you walked into the room already grounded, not waiting for her to prove your worth, but owning it for yourself?

That’s where real intimacy begins, not in achieving more, demanding more, or performing more, but in becoming the kind of man who no longer gives his happiness away.

Because your wife can love you deeply, but your worth? That’s yours alone.

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hits home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need. And if you’re ready to take the next step, you can book a free call at the link in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.