17. Stop Being a Martyr in Your Marriage

Introduction: Stop Being the Martyr In Your Marriage

 

Welcome to the Create More Intimacy podcast. I’m Alisa Stoddard and I help men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

 

Stop being the martyr. Disappearing in your marriage isn’t helping. You keep taking one for the team or you swallow your opinion, you work longer and you say, “no, it’s fine. I’ll handle it”.  And while that sounds noble,  here’s the truth, that’s martyring and it’s slowly erasing you from your marriage. There’s a version of this that looks caring on the surface. But is really a quiet protest for attention. It’s the pouty moody bid for care, the heavy sighs and the short answers and the Don’t Worry About Me kind of tone.

 

That really means: prove you care. And that’s not connection. That’s a test and it pushes her away. Today we’re gonna name this pattern, show what it’s costing you, especially what this means for your kids, and give you simple and repeatable ways to reenter your marriage as a partner without turning every conversation into a fight.

Welcome to episode 17. Stop being a martyr in your marriage.

 

Spotting the Martyr Pattern

 

thing, we have got to  spot what being a martyr looks like. So see if any of these things land for you. You want to fix problems instead of sitting with them. You avoid conflict and call it being nice. You keep score like how much you pay, or how much she spends, or how much you do, or how much sex you get in return.

 

You wait for the perfectly right words and then end up never saying anything ’cause those times never come. You overwork or over hobby or over scroll social media, so you don’t have to be present at home. You take direct feedback personally.

 

You don’t set boundaries because you’re afraid it’ll start a fight. You’re harsh with yourself inside your very own head. Bottom line, none of this is selflessness. It just makes you disappear and disappearing kills intimacy faster than any disagreement ever could.

 

A clean way to name it out loud is to say, I’ve been disappearing because I thought it kept the peace. It didn’t.

 

Shared Decision-Making Around Money

 

I see   this pattern a lot around money and making decisions together, or the lack thereof. So the dynamic I see is that he earns well and is long measured his role and his success by how much he provides and he stays quiet about spending because he doesn’t wanna come across as controlling or he is gotten feedback that he has, so he has bowed out.

 

But that silence isn’t a partnership, it’s it’s conflict avoidance. And in a healthy marriage, money decisions are shared even if one person actually does the task of paying the bills. And even if one person brings in more income. He says yes to most requests and then tells himself, well, I’m doing my part, but inside he’s tired and resentful and he starts keeping score.

 

And that sounds a lot like “I pay for everything and she just spends”. Because he’s still thinking in terms of like separate buckets, like my money, your spending patterns. Instead of this is our plan, our budget, and our priorities, and then our next steps, because we’ve made goals together. .

 

She’s been asking you to join the decision making conversations, maybe the budget talks and parenting choices and dinner plans, but you deflect and you say things like, “whatever you think”, “it’s fine, I don’t care”. And I want you to know that that doesn’t feel like partnership, to be on the other side of that, that feels like checking out and it feels weighty.

 

It feels like that me, as the woman has to make the decision again. Shared decision making means that neither person takes over and neither disappears either. What I know in my own life is that eventually I stopped asking, and so will she. Maybe she’ll shop more. Maybe she’ll over parent or throw herself into new hobbies.

 

Exercise, social media, that kind of thing. And it’s not because she’s like shallow and just wants all the latest new stuff. It’s probably because she’s lonely and feels isolated. The truth is she has been begging you to have a pulse in the partnership for a long time, and when that has failed over and over again, she just goes looking for stimulation and control and somebody that’s paying attention elsewhere.

 

And we all know that that can end really badly, both financially and with infidelity. What’s actually happening is that both of you feel abandoned. You think “I do everything and it’s never enough. I am bringing in all the money and nobody appreciates me”, and she’s thinking “I’m doing this alone”. And a simple reframe that you can say could sound like:

 

“I’ve been acting like the money machine and then I resent you. And that’s not partnership. I want us to make money decisions together.” So mutual decision making, shared decision making could look like naming what matters to each of you. That both of you have a chance to say that.

 

Like, here’s what I care about most as we have this conversation. What do you care about? And then set a timer to decide Let’s just talk about this and just take only 15 minutes, but let’s do this on a regular basis. So can we talk about this Sunday after dinner or something?

 

Leave with one step each, meaning you’re both contributing to the outcome. So something like you you price out option A and I’ll price out option B, and then we’ll come together and share what we found and then choose what seems best for our goals. So some language to practice is move away from my money, your spending thinking, and words into our budget and our goals or our plan. Change from you decide, or like I’ll just stay out of it to, let’s decide this together and then split up how we tackle things.

 

Martyr Behavior vs Clean Communication

 

So oftentimes behaving in a way that     is like a martyr is actually a bid for attention, but it backfires. What it looks like can be the heavy sighs and maybe slamming the drawer a a little too much. Or a little too many times, and it can also look like really long silences. Now you might say words like, it’s fine, I’ll handle it, but the tone says I am not fine.

 

You know that when you hear it, so does she. It says, I’m not fine, and I want you to prove to me that you care about me. Unfortunately, this pushes her away. And I don’t know that you’ve realized that it actually comes across as that you need her to manage your emotions, and that’s on top of her job and the house and the kids and all sorts of other responsibilities.

 

And it flips that dynamic into one of like mother son rather than man and woman. And like we know desire is gonna die there.

 

It is unclear also ’cause she has to guess what you need and it sets both of you up to fail.

 

It’s no fun to have to manage a grown man’s emotions. She doesn’t want another job. She wants a partner. At my house, What I would say to my husband and kids is like, the world is not out to get you like. Go problem, solve this, be resilient. It was never about dismissing the pain that they were in, but it is to help you move from self-pity to what you can own.

 

Teaching Kids About Conflict & Repair

 

All right, here’s a really, really tricky one.  What our kids learn from our silence? Now I get it. No one wants to fight in front of the kids. And oftentimes you didn’t see your parents fight in front of you, and so you thought their marriage was perfect until like something totally blew up. Or alternatively, you saw them fight all the time and you felt the tension, but that’s what’s behind all of this tension.

 

So if your kiddos only see the silence or the explosions, they learn a few things. Conflict is dangerous to avoid it because blowups are so painful. They learn that feelings are a problem to hide or to fix. And they also learn that repair isn’t a skill because they never see it, and they do need to see how you and your wife repair things.

 

So. What you do wanna show them so that they are getting the right message here is verbalizing things like “we do see this different and I do wanna understand your side.”

 

Okay, so here’s some things that you can do with your wife initially, which is you could try something like, we do see this differently and I wanna understand your side. Or Here’s what matters to me, and then tell me what matters to you. And that you don’t go fixing things. You’re just listening. And then in front of your kiddos, that’s when you can go back to them and just say, Hey, I want to talk to you about what you watched earlier.

 

We did get upset. We got heated and we talked about it, and we’re okay now and we’ve made a plan of how we’re gonna handle these things in the future. What that does to their tiny nervous systems is give them reassurance that we’re okay, and it can reset them away from that anxiousness into this is how we solve problems.

 

I know you think you’re protecting your family by keeping the peace. A lot of men avoid difficult conversations, but peace without truth is just simply quiet and quiet resentment is still resentment, and now it has nowhere to go. You are not weak, you just learn to avoid conflict because it felt unsafe or pointless.

 

But your marriage needs your presence more than the performance of shoving it down. I’m gonna give you some micro truths and these are ways that you     can reenter conversations without creating a lecture for either of you. So first of all, stop waiting for the perfect sentences to say there aren’t any.

 

Just say some of your truths, like I’ve been saying “whatever you want because I’m scared to fight and I don’t wanna do that anymore.” Another one. “Money talks just stress me out and I shut down. But I wanna try again slowly and simply.” Another one, “I don’t agree, and I also don’t wanna bulldoze you with my opinion, so can we talk this through?”

 

So micro truths work because they reintroduce you into the relationship . You sit with the pain instead of fixing it. So when she’s upset, try something. Like, “I can tell this is heavy and I’m here and I wanna understand what feels hard for you”, or, “I’m not gonna fix anything right now.

 

I just wanna understand. Help me please.” What we’re trying to do is reflect on like the big picture, not on your defense. So this is the idea of listen to understand, not to defend yourself. So something could sound like, “So the late nights make you feel alone, like, I’m choosing my work over this family.”

 

The other part is that we need to learn how to set appropriate boundaries. A boundary is for clarity, and it’s how you can stay engaged and not control each other, but you have to do it right. So here’s an example: “I’m available for pickup on Tuesday and Thursday, but I’m not available Monday, Wednesday and Friday unless we line up help.”

 

Or “I’m not gonna keep talking while we’re yelling, so I’m gonna take 20 minutes and then I’ll come back” and then come back. Here’s a money example to keep it like a shared discussion. “Looking at our budget, I’m noticing that the discretionary spending is trending high this month, and I want us to set a cap together for this month, and I’m wondering if we could meet on Sunday for just a quick 15 minute check-in.

 

I’m gonna bring some options of what I think we could do. If you wanna bring an option of what you think we can do, we can talk about it and then together we can pick one.”

 

Here’s what I know. These kind of formats of like, I can do this. I can’t do this, but here’s how I’m gonna stay engaged. That’s a pattern that you could use or here’s what I see,

 

Here’s what I want. Here’s what we can decide together, and here’s the part I’m gonna own. So the most important part here is that you just take a minute to reset so that you don’t take things personally, and that might require that you settle down a little, maybe breathe a little bit slower or more purposefully, and then ask, what am I making this mean about my worth?

 

So ask yourself, what am I making this mean about my worth? Or what is the actual issue here? What is she really saying? And one way to respond could be, “I hear you, the late nights are the issue, not whether I’m a good provider or a good man. So let’s, let’s talk about the hours that I can get my work done and you can feel like I’m a part of the family.”

 

One thing that you could do is just set aside time either weekly or daily and just check in, spend a few minutes like, Hey, what’s on your mind today? And then share, this is what I’m going through and then you could spend the remainder of the time of what decisions do we need to make together right now?

 

Like all good habits, consistency is gonna beat intensity, meaning that there’s too many decisions to make at once. That’s far better to be consistent with small decisions. There’s something called a decision engagement ladder, and so it could look like this.

 

First thing is to observe, ” I noticed three Amazon orders for X amount this week.  And then ask, what is the goal behind these buys?” Now, make sure that you’re keeping your tone really neutral, and that will be easier when you have a shared goal of how you’re going to deal with discretionary income and purchases.

 

The next thing is to offer, “Hey, from my side I’m watching the cash flow, and this is my concern.” Again, no judgment, just stating what’s going on. Keep your voice neutral, and then co decide how you’re going to deal with this mutually come to agreement on what you’re gonna do. And that could sound like:

 

“What plan around spending respects both your priority and the needs of the family and my needs, and our budget. What can we come together on that meets both? And then own what you’re gonna own. Like, “Hey, I can track weekly, or I can track my stuff weekly and I’m gonna bring things up before it piles up so that I don’t get more and more resentful.”

 

This turns that knee jerk reaction of, you just spend too much. Into, we decide financial things together and we have a, a mutual goal, a shared goal that we have come up with.

 

Core Skills & The CLEAR Ask Method

 

I have a tool that I’ve created for you that can maybe help make this clear. And that’s really funny because the acronym is CLEAR. C-L-E-A-R. The tool here is to help you have a clear ask. So mention it, use it, and then move on. Here’s what you do. You, you ask, you don’t hint or test or beat around the bush.

 

Make a Clear ask. So the C stands for the Clear need. Say what you want, like what you need with time, a decision to be made. You need reassurance. You need affection. The L stands for Lay out time, so propose a window to discuss things and keep conversations short. When they go too long, you veer into uncharted territory

 

where it can just be too much in one sitting. E stands for Explain why. One honest sentence that matters. Don’t say too much. Just explain very clearly in one honest sentence why it matters. A stands for Ask plainly. Do not hint and do not set people up to prove your point.

 

Don’t make this feel like a trap. An R is for Responsibility. Name the steps that you are gonna take. So here’s some examples. Alright, so around connection. The C, I want 15 minutes together tonight. What about after dinner? Like between 7:30 and 7:45.  L was laying out the time window. E is, Explain in one sentence. So the E is, I’ve been stewing about some things and I wanna reconnect. And then A is to Ask plainly. So can we do that? Can we meet a little after dinner? And then R is what you’re gonna take Responsibility for. And that is, I’m gonna start with the big picture and then I’m gonna listen to what you have to say. So here’s another one. The C I want us to land on a discretionary spending cap together. Can we review this Sunday at five? Shared decision making helps me stop stewing and helps you not feel so alone. Does that time work for you?

 

I’ll bring a couple options and then we can decide how to proceed. With parenting: I want one bedtime plan that we both follow. Can we talk about that for a few minutes after dinner or on Saturday morning? Consistency helps the kids and it lowers the fights. Can we agree on that tonight?

 

I’ll write out the steps and do it for the first night.

 

That’s it. When you reference a CLEAR ask, it can be useful and then you just keep going and, and it just creates a framework that keeps the emotions and the name calling out of it. And the feeling like a martyr and the lack of communication. So one thing I do know that happens is that she will escalate to get a pulse on if you, if she can rile you up.

 

So she might say some things quite extreme because months or years of you disengaging and silence has been the only way that she can reach you. And so that could happen. So you gotta stay engaged and say some things like, “I hear how urgent this is for you, and I don’t wanna shut down. I’m here.

 

Can you, can you rephrase that in a different way? I’m listening.” And if you’re feeling flooded, meaning you just can’t handle much more, then say it. ” I’m getting hot, I’m getting flooded, and I need 15 minutes and I’m gonna come back.” And then come back. That’s how you rebuild trust. So you can start to have this inner dialogue.

 

And martyrs are absolutely the most ruthless self critics there are. So trade that shame in for ownership, something that’s actually positive. That language could be like, I’m not failing. I’m just learning a new skill and this is hard. Or I paused, I returned after a difficult conversation and I repaired.

 

Or I don’t have to be perfect, but I do have to be present.  Maybe on Sundays you could have a 20 minute conversation where you talk about wins from the week, stressors coming up, one decision that you need to make together, one small connection ask. So that could be a pattern that you could get into to start re-engaging more conversation and less martyr.

 

You might’ve heard stuff like, Hey, don’t go to bed angry.

 

Wrap-up: From Martyr to Partner

 

Okay, I am not for that. Go to bed if you guys are too angry, it could go downhill from there. So I’m not a fan of that, but I am a fan of actually returning to the conversation. So if conversations do get too heated, then pause and then just return within 24 hours or so,

 

and finish the conversation. And what that does is just turn that pause into a way to feel safe for both of you, but not into a way to avoid the hard stuff. I want you to learn how to repair out loud in front of your kids. So say some things like ” we were both off earlier and we handled some things badly, but we’ve talked now and we’re okay and we’ve made a plan about what we’re gonna do.” Just give him some reassurance.

 

You don’t have to disappear to keep the peace in your family, in your house, but your family doesn’t need a martyr. They absolutely need you. So learn how to say one true sentence and then sit in the discomfort without fixing things. And then maybe set one really clean and clear boundary. And then again, use that CLEAR ask that I referenced earlier when you need something and practice shared decision making so that neither of you is carrying the burden of this all alone.

 

And model the disagreements that you do have, for both of you, but also so that your kids learn to not avoid conflict, that they learn courage and that they learn how to have difficult conversations. Because presence is always gonna be better than blowing up or a performance that just says, hey, I don’t care, do whatever, and then you silently stew. And if you put these things in place, this is actually how intimacy can grow and it can really improve your communication and build back trust if that’s been lost. But it shows that you are willing to have difficult conversations and not be the martyr, and we gotta start somewhere.

 

Hope you have a great week. We’ll see you next time.

 

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need, and if you are ready to get help or take the next step, you’ll find the link to book a free call in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.