3. Nothing Will Change if You Don’t

Welcome back to the Create More Intimacy Podcast: A Podcast for Men. I’m your host, Alisa – and today we’re talking about something that’s simple, but kind of brutal when you really look at it:

You want things to change. But you’re not doing anything different.

You’re trying. You’re showing up. You’re doing what you think will help. But if we’re being honest—if we’re slowing down and actually looking at the results—it’s not working.

And that’s not because you’re lazy. It’s not because you’re broken. It’s because what you’ve been trying? It’s the same thing you’ve always done.

What We’re Covering Today

 

So in today’s episode, we’re going to walk through:

• Why effort isn’t the same as change
  • What “trying something new” actually means (and doesn’t mean)
  • And how to stop recycling the same approach – and start getting different results

Wanting Change Is Not Enough

 

Let me say this clearly: wanting change is not enough. And trying harder—at the same thing that’s not working—is not progress.

You might be hoping she’ll come around. You might be biting your tongue to keep the peace. You might be pulling back because you’re tired of being the only one trying.

But all of that? It’s the same pattern, just with a different name. And if your relationship still feels tense, distant, or cold—it’s because those patterns don’t work.

The Gut-Punch Diagram

 

I saw something the other day that I can’t stop thinking about. It was a diagram. It said:

“Do you want to improve?”
Yes → Try something new
No → Keep doing the same thing

Simple. Obvious. But gutting.

Because the truth is—trying something new feels scary. It requires humility. Vulnerability. Sometimes even asking for help. But it’s the only way to create something better.

Same Patterns, Different Name

 

When I work with men, they often come to me saying:

• “I’m trying, but she doesn’t see it.”
  • “I just want peace in the house.”
  • “I don’t even know what would make her happy anymore.”

And what I help them see is: they’re doing the same thing over and over—hoping it’ll finally work.

They stay silent to avoid conflict. Or they get loud out of frustration. They plan a trip, buy a gift, send a text… but it still doesn’t land.

Not because they’re doing something wrong. But because they’re not doing something new.

What ‘Trying Something New’ Actually Means

 

Let’s clear something up: “Trying something new” doesn’t mean doubling down on the same old habits. It doesn’t mean pushing harder or pretending everything’s okay.

It means slowing down. Getting honest. And being willing to see the problem differently.

Sometimes it means learning how to say the hard thing—but without blame. Sometimes it means letting go of a story you’ve been holding onto for years. Sometimes it means doing less, but doing it with presence and intention.

My Story: Keeping the Peace Didn’t Work

 

There was a time in my own marriage when disagreements felt like walking into a storm.

I wanted to talk things through. I wanted him to hear me. To understand where I was coming from. And, truthfully, I wanted him to agree with me.

But when he was upset, he’d go silent. For days sometimes. He’d shut down and retreat—and it felt horrible.

The house got quiet. The kids could feel it. And underneath it all, I was scared. Scared that he’d leave. Scared I’d be left with nothing. I had no income of my own. Three kids. A life that felt like it could unravel overnight.

So I tried to keep the peace. I softened, over-functioned, stayed small—hoping that would bring us back to okay.

But it never did. Because I was still playing the same role in the same pattern.

The Shift: Owning My Voice

 

What changed things for me wasn’t getting him to change. It was learning how to stand up for myself in a different way.

When I built my confidence… when I stopped trying to control his reaction and started using my voice with clarity and calm… when I stopped buying into the story that marriage was supposed to look a certain way…

That’s when things shifted. That’s when I shifted. And when I did—our marriage had a chance to grow, too.

Reflection Questions for You

 

If you’re ready to shift something, here are a few questions to sit with:

• What have I been doing over and over, hoping for a different result?
  • What am I afraid would happen if I tried something new?
  • What story am I still clinging to that keeps me stuck?
  • What would feel uncomfortable but honest to try instead?

Why Coaching Helps

 

Trying something new is hard to do alone—especially when you’ve been carrying the same pain, fear, or frustration for years.

That’s where coaching comes in. It’s not just another thing to try—it’s a completely different approach. It’s a space where you can:

• Be brutally honest without judgment
  • See your blind spots
  • Learn how to lead with emotional maturity, not control

You don’t need more pressure. You need something that actually helps you feel hopeful again.

Time to Try Something Better

 

If you’ve been doing the same thing and nothing’s changing—it’s not because you’re not trying. It’s because it’s time to try something better.

Let’s talk. We’ll figure out what’s not working… and what to do instead.

Thanks for being here. Talk to you next time.