8. Men Don’t Cry

Welcome to the Create More Intimacy podcast. I’m Alisa Stoddard and I help men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

Why You Learned to Hide Emotion

 

Hey, it’s Alisa and welcome back. Today I want to talk to you about a part of you that you learned really early on to hide—your emotions. Not because you’re weak or broken, but because you were taught that emotions make you soft or ‘like a girl’ or that crying makes you a ‘pussy.’

So you learned that being vulnerable is unattractive. That if you want to be respected, if you want to be chosen, you’d better toughen up.

That Training Doesn’t Just Disappear

 

The problem is, that emotional training doesn’t just disappear when you become an adult. It shows up in your marriage. It shows up in how disconnected you feel. And if you’re honest, it shows up in how lonely you are.

The Moment You Learned to Shut Down

 

You probably don’t remember the first time you were told not to cry. Maybe it was a coach or a parent or a teacher—or maybe no one said anything. Maybe it was just a look you got. Either way, you learned that expressing emotion, especially sadness or fear, wouldn’t get you far.

So you shut down. And at first, it worked. You got good at compartmentalizing, hiding your emotions, and never showing them in public. Maybe you were even praised for being ‘cool under pressure’ or having a ‘stiff upper lip.’

What That Kind of Strength Really Costs

 

But here’s what nobody tells you about being strong: that kind of strength turns into isolation.

When you stop feeling—or never learn to name what you feel—you stop letting people in. That loneliness eventually catches up with you.

And it feels terrible. Because you can’t fix something if you don’t even know it’s happening inside you.

You’re Not Numb—You’re Unpracticed

 

For a lot of men I work with, they’ve been emotionally numb for so long, they don’t even recognize it anymore. But the women in their lives? They do.

I had a client who remembered falling off his bike as a kid. He scraped his arm, started to cry, and his dad looked at him and said, ‘Don’t be soft. Shake it off.’

That moment stayed with him—not because of the injury, but because he realized there was no space to show emotion.

Fast forward 30 years—he’s married with kids, and when emotions run high, he shuts down. Not because he doesn’t care, but because he never got what he needed.

This Isn’t About Blame—It’s About Awareness

 

I’m not here to blame your past. But I do want you to understand your patterns—and finally give yourself permission to do life differently.

You might not say ‘I’m sad’ or ‘I don’t feel seen,’ but…

• Are you more irritable than you used to be?
  • Do you shut down when your partner wants to talk?
  • Do you avoid hard conversations because they usually blow up?

That’s not just your personality. That’s unprocessed emotion.

You Were Never Taught What to Do With It

 

You were never taught what to do with frustration, disappointment, or rejection. Now you’re either holding it in until it leaks out sideways—or trying to outrun it altogether.

And that shows up in how you parent. In how you handle intimacy. In how you respond when your wife says, ‘Why won’t you open up to me?’

It’s Not That You Can’t—It’s That You Were Never Shown How

 

You’re not incapable. You were just never taught how. You were never modeled how to have emotionally safe conversations.

I hear this all the time: ‘I don’t know how to show emotions. I struggle with that.’

Of course you do. You’ve never had space to practice.

Good News: You Can Learn This

 

Here’s the good news: emotional awareness is a skill. You can learn it. And no, you don’t have to become overly emotional or turn into someone you’re not.

It starts small. Like noticing the lump in your throat and saying, ‘What’s going on? I think I feel sad.’

Or sitting in your car after an argument and asking, ‘Okay, I’m angry—but what’s really happening?’ You might discover disappointment. Or fear. Or rejection.

The Goal Is Not Perfection—It’s Awareness

 

You’re not going to get this perfect. And that’s not the point. The goal is awareness.

Because the more aware you are, the more intentional you can be. And the more intentional you are, the less reactive you become.

A Client Example: From Angry to Aware

 

I had a client who once said, ‘I never realized I was angry all the time—I just thought I was tired.’

As we slowed things down, he realized that underneath the short fuse was constant disappointment. Disappointment in himself, in his marriage, in where he thought he’d be by now.

But instead of naming it, he’d grit his teeth. Snap at his wife. Zone out on his phone.

Checking In Changed Everything

 

When he started checking in with himself—literally asking, ‘What am I feeling right now?’—everything shifted.

He didn’t magically stop getting upset. But he stopped being run by his emotions.

He could pause and say, ‘I’m not okay right now, but I’m trying.’ And his wife noticed. She felt him showing up differently.

That softer side? That’s what created safety again. That’s when connection started to rebuild.

This Is What Creates Safety

 

It’s not about being perfect. It’s not about performing. And it’s definitely not about staying silent.

You’ve got to learn how to have hard conversations—but you can’t do that until you understand how you feel.

Be the Kind of Man Who Owns What He Feels

 

Be a man who is aware of what’s happening inside him and willing to own it.

That’s emotional strength. That’s leadership. That’s connection.

You’re Not Broken—You’re Becoming

 

Maybe today is the day you stop running from what you feel. Maybe today is the day you stop seeing emotions as weakness.

The men I work with? They’re incredible. They’re not broken. They’re learning how to be strong *and* emotionally available.

They’re learning how to feel—maybe for the first time. They’re learning how to stay present when things get rough.

And that? That changes everything.

Closing

 

That’s all I’ve got for today. Thanks for being here. We’ll see you next week.

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need. And if you are ready to get help or take the next step, you’ll find the link to book a free call in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.