14. Is Sex How You Feel Liked?

Ep 14: Is Sex the Only Way You Feel Liked?

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men

 

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men.

I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help men stop chasing sex and start building real connection—so they can finally feel close, respected, and wanted again.

 

Today I want to ask a hard but important question: Is sex the only way you feel liked?

Because if it is… You’re not alone.

But I want to show you why that pattern never gives you what you’re really looking for—and what to do instead.

What You Think You Want

 

Let’s start with the surface: You want to feel close. Wanted. Chosen.

And for a long time, sex has been the only way you’ve felt any of that.

When it’s happening, you feel more secure. When it’s not, you start to spiral.

You wonder if she even likes you anymore. You try to hold it together, but inside, it starts to feel personal.

Maybe you’ve been called needy. Maybe you’ve gotten good at pretending you don’t care. But the truth is—it hurts.

What You’re Really Seeking

 

A client once told me that when his wife turns him down for sex, he doesn’t just feel rejected. He feels unlovable.

Like he doesn’t matter. Like she doesn’t even like him.

This wasn’t really about sex. This was about validation. About worth.

He wanted to feel chosen—not just physically, but emotionally. He wanted proof that he was lovable.

Sex Isn’t a Need

 

Sex is a desire. A beautiful, powerful form of connection. But it’s not a need.

Food. Water. Shelter—those are needs.

When you say, “I need this,” what you might really mean is, “I don’t know how else to feel loved.”

If the only way you feel okay is through sex, you’re asking someone else’s body to do the work your emotional growth was meant to handle.

That’s not partnership. That’s pressure. And I want to say this lovingly, but directly:

You are not entitled to your partner’s body. She gets to choose what she shares. Just like you do.

Why This Pattern Exists

 

If sex is the only way you feel liked, it probably goes back further than your current relationship.

When was the first time you felt invisible? Like you didn’t matter?

Maybe you learned early on that love had to be earned, or that you were too much or not enough.

That kind of emotional neglect leaves a wound that says: I only matter when I perform. I’m only lovable when I give something.

So now, as an adult, you reach for sex—not just for connection, but for proof.

Why Obligation Sex Makes It Worse

 

Even when you get sex—if it’s not mutual, if she’s just going through the motions—you still don’t feel good afterward.

It often feels worse. You question whether she really wanted it. You wonder if she just gave in to avoid a fight.

You feel guilty. And instead of feeling loved… you feel ashamed.

This is what happens when sex becomes a transaction. It’s not a solution—it’s a setup.

What Real Connection Looks Like

 

So what now? If sex isn’t the fix, what is?

The fix starts with you. With your willingness to get curious about where the pain really comes from.

To explore what rejection brings up in you. To stop outsourcing your sense of worth to your partner’s body.

You get to expand your definition of connection:

It’s emotional. Mental. Relational. It’s laughter, help, presence, and being able to sit next to each other and still feel known.

Marriage isn’t a transaction. It’s a relationship.

And the more you try to extract connection through pressure, the less likely you are to experience the intimacy you’re longing for.

A Final Thought

 

If you’ve been trying to prove your worth through sex…

If you’ve been measuring how loved you are by how often she says yes…

You’re living in a loop that can never satisfy you.

Because no one else’s body—no matter how often they say yes—can make you feel whole inside.

You’re not broken. You’re just overdue for a new way of being.

 

Thanks for listening to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men.

If you’re ready to stop chasing and start connecting, book a free call with me at alisastoddard.com.

We’ll take a look at what’s really going on and I’ll help you shift it—so you can finally feel like the man you want to be in your relationship.

The connection you want is possible. But it starts with you.