36. You Don’t Need a New You, You Need a Different Approach

Episode 36: You Don’t Need a New You, You Need a Different Approach

INTRO

Before we get into this, I want to name something a lot of men are feeling right now, even if they haven’t said it out loud.

The holidays are over, and instead of feeling hopeful, you feel clearer.

Clear about the distance.
Clear about the disconnect.
Clear about the fact that you tried.

You showed up.
You put in effort.
You did what you thought you were supposed to do.

And somehow, that didn’t translate into closeness.

January tends to tell you that the answer is more effort.
More resolve.
A better version of you.

But if effort alone created connection, things would already look different.

Most of the men I work with are not avoiding effort.
They are frustrated because they are trying, and it’s not landing.

They are doing things they believe should matter.
Being steady.
Being responsible.

And yet, none of it seems to change how she feels.

In your work life, when something doesn’t work, you don’t just double down and hope for the best.
You learn new skills.
You adjust how you communicate.
You change how you lead.

You recognize that effort without the right approach doesn’t produce better results.

But in your relationship, many men keep putting in the same kind of effort, even when it isn’t creating connection.

What the holidays often make impossible to ignore is this.
Trying harder does not automatically mean you’re trying in a way that builds closeness.

If you’re listening to this thinking, “I’m doing a lot, why doesn’t any of it seem to matter?”
You are not missing effort.

You are missing a different way of responding.

That’s what we’re going to talk about today.
Not how to become someone new.
But how to stop repeating the same patterns by learning what actually creates change.

Welcome to Episode 36, You Don’t Need a New You, You Need a Different Approach

SECTION 1: WHY EFFORT THAT MISSES THE MARK CREATES MORE DISTANCE

Here’s the part most men don’t realize.

When effort keeps missing the mark, it doesn’t feel neutral to your partner.
It feels unsupported.
Like you’re busy doing things, but not helping in the way she actually needs.

You may be showing up by being responsible.
By taking care of what needs to be done.
By making sure things don’t fall apart.

From your perspective, that is care.

But support and connection are not the same thing as responsibility.

What builds closeness is effort that meets the emotional moment.
And most men were never taught how to do that.

They were taught how to carry responsibility.
How to fix problems.
How to push through discomfort.
How to stay functional under pressure.

So when there’s tension or distance, the instinct is to do more of what you already know.
Be more reliable.
Stay contained.
Avoid making things worse.

The problem is, that kind of effort can actually increase the gap.

She experiences you as present, but not supportive in the way she needs.
You experience yourself as trying and getting nowhere.

Over time, both of you feel disappointed.
You feel unappreciated and confused.
She feels like she’s carrying the emotional weight alone.

This is often when men say, “Nothing I do makes a difference.”

And that’s not because effort doesn’t matter.
It’s because the effort isn’t aimed at what actually creates support and connection.

This is the point where many men either shut down or overextend.
Neither one leads to closeness.

The shift doesn’t come from doing less.
It comes from learning how to respond differently in the moments that matter.

SECTION 2: WHAT ACTUALLY CHANGES WHEN THE APPROACH SHIFTS

Here’s the part that often surprises men.

Connection doesn’t change because you start doing more.
It changes because you start responding differently.

When the approach shifts, the effort you’re already putting in finally has somewhere to land.

Instead of trying to anticipate what she wants, you slow down enough to notice what’s actually happening.
Instead of managing the situation, you stay present in it.
Instead of protecting yourself from getting it wrong, you engage even when it feels uncomfortable.

This is where support starts to feel real to her.

Not because you suddenly became more emotional.
But because you’re responding to her, not to the situation in your head.

Small moments begin to matter.
A conversation that doesn’t get deflected.
A feeling that doesn’t get fixed or dismissed.
A response that says, “I’m here with you,” without trying to solve anything.

For many men, this feels unfamiliar at first.
Not wrong, just new.

And it’s why trying harder never worked.

You weren’t missing effort.
You were missing a way to translate that effort into emotional support.

When men learn this shift, something else changes too.

They stop feeling like they’re guessing.
They stop feeling like nothing they do makes a difference.
They stop carrying the relationship without seeing results.

Connection becomes something you participate in, not something you chase.

SECTION 3: THE FEAR BENEATH “WHAT IF NOTHING CHANGES”

There’s a quieter thought that tends to show up right about now.

It isn’t dramatic.
It doesn’t come with panic.
It usually sounds more like resignation.

What if this is just how it is?

What if the distance doesn’t get better?
What if this is the version of the relationship you learn to live with?

Most men don’t say this out loud.
They just keep going.

They stay steady.
They try to be thoughtful.
They try not to make things worse.

But underneath that effort is a growing fear that nothing they do actually changes how close things feel.

That fear is heavy.

Because when you start to believe the outcome won’t change, something subtle happens.
You pull back without meaning to.
You get more careful.
You stop risking honesty.

And realism without a path forward turns into quiet disengagement.

This is also where resentment starts to creep in.

You’re doing a lot.
You’re trying in the ways you know how.
And it feels like none of it is seen or acknowledged.

Over time, that creates frustration.
Not just toward her, but toward the relationship itself.

You start wondering why your effort doesn’t count.
Why it never seems to land.
Why it feels like you’re carrying this alone.

And that distance doesn’t just affect the relationship.
It affects how you feel about yourself.

You question whether you’re missing something.
Whether wanting closeness is unreasonable.
Whether this is just the cost of being in a long term relationship.

This is the moment where many men go quiet.

They stop believing there’s a way forward that won’t make things worse.

And this is exactly where a different approach matters.

SECTION 4: WHAT CHANGE ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

When real change happens, it usually doesn’t look dramatic.

It doesn’t come from a big conversation.
It doesn’t come from saying the perfect thing.
And it doesn’t come from deciding that this year will finally be different.

It starts much quieter than that.

Change begins when you stop reacting the same way in the same moments.
When you notice the urge to withdraw, defend, or explain, and you choose something slightly different instead.

That might look like staying in a conversation a little longer.
Letting a feeling land without fixing it.
Naming what you feel without turning it into an argument.

These are small shifts.
But they are not insignificant.

Over time, these moments add up.
Not all at once.
Not in a way that feels like instant relief.

But slowly, the tone between you changes.
There’s less tension in everyday interactions.
Less guessing.
Less walking on eggshells.

Support starts to feel real because it’s happening where it actually matters.

And something else changes too.

You stop feeling like you’re constantly bracing yourself.
You stop waiting for the next disconnect.
You feel steadier, even when things aren’t perfect.

This is what most men miss when they think about change.

They imagine a finish line.
A point where things are fixed.

In reality, change looks more like learning how to stay present when it would be easier to pull away.

And that kind of change is learnable.

SECTION 5: A STEADY WAY FORWARD

If you’re listening to this and realizing how familiar all of this feels, I want you to hear something clearly.

You’re not behind.
You’re not broken.
And you’re not failing at your relationship.

You’ve been operating without the right framework.

Most men were never taught how to create emotional support and connection in a long term relationship.
They were taught how to be strong, reliable, and self controlled.

Those skills matter.
They just aren’t enough on their own.

Real change comes from learning how to respond differently in the moments that actually shape closeness.
Not perfectly.
Not all at once.
Just differently enough that the pattern starts to shift.

If the holidays brought clarity instead of comfort, that awareness is not a problem.
It’s information.

And it’s often the beginning of doing something different.

If you want help learning how to make those shifts in a way that feels grounded and realistic, that’s the work I do.
It’s steady.
It’s skill based.
And it’s focused on real change, not pressure or promises.

You don’t need a new version of yourself.
You need a different approach.

Thanks for being here today.
I’ll talk to you next time.

Alisa Stoddard Coaching | Certified Life Coach