20. Unspoken Expectations Are Killing Your Marriage

Episode 20: Stop Waiting for Your Wife to Notice You

Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men with Alisa Stoddard

Introduction

 

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help successful men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

Have you ever felt like no matter how much you do, your wife does not see it? You’re waiting around for her to notice, but she doesn’t—and it leaves you frustrated, resentful, and wondering if you’ll ever feel appreciated.

This is Episode 20: Stop Waiting for Your Wife to Notice You.

Today we’re talking about unspoken expectations: why they’re so destructive, how they quietly eat away at your connection, and what you can do to break the cycle.

The Weight of Waiting to Be Noticed

 

You know what comes up over and over again when I’m talking to men?

This sense of waiting to be noticed.

It sounds like:
“I work hard. I provide. I show up. Why doesn’t she ever see it? I just want to be appreciated.”

And underneath that question is something heavier—the fear of rejection. The whisper that says:
“If she really loved me, wouldn’t she notice? Wouldn’t she appreciate me more?”

I worked with a client who was carrying this exact weight. He’d get up early, handle his work, the bills, coach his kids’ teams, even help around the house. But when his wife didn’t respond with the gratitude or affection he was hoping for, he spiraled into frustration.

And it came out in a predictable way: he didn’t talk about it. He told himself, “Fine, then I don’t care.” But disappointment stacked up until it spilled over. When his wife asked for help—or seemed irritated she had to ask—he snapped.

Because in his mind, he was already helping. He was already working hard. And her asking felt like she was ignoring everything he had already done.

The Transactional Trap

 

That’s the reality for a lot of men. The blowups aren’t about the request in that moment. They’re about months or years of feeling unseen and unappreciated.

And I’ve seen this dynamic in my own life too. It’s easy to slip into: I do this, you do that.

It feels fair, but it’s transactional. And it leaves both people feeling unseen and unheard.

That thought—“she should notice”—is one of the biggest setups for resentment in marriage.

Because here’s what happens: you wait, you hope, you do more, you push harder. But when she doesn’t respond in the way you need, you tell yourself stories:
– She doesn’t care.
– I’m not enough.
– I’ll never get this right.

Sometimes you carry the disappointment silently. Other times it leaks out as anger. Either way, the resentment is there, eating at your relationship.

Why Unspoken Expectations Are So Destructive

 

Unspoken expectations are one of the fastest ways to create distance in your marriage.

Because when you don’t say what you need, you start keeping score:
“I work all day. I provide for this family. I handle the house. I help out. And she still doesn’t see it.”

That mindset makes your relationship transactional.

I do this, you do that.

Every interaction becomes about justice instead of mercy, fairness instead of connection.

And let’s be honest—this often bleeds into the physical side of the relationship. Many men tell themselves:
“If I work hard and help out, then I deserve sex.”

But intimacy doesn’t work like that. You can’t trade chores, paychecks, or acts of service for connection. When you try, it creates pressure, resentment, and a dynamic that feels more like a business deal than a marriage.

And here’s the deeper problem: it puts an impossible burden on her shoulders.

When you’re asking her to notice, validate, and make you feel good about yourself—you’re asking her to “make you happy.”

But that’s not her job. And when your happiness depends on her noticing, you’ve set up a situation where she can never win.

The Cycle of Resentment and Guilt

 

That’s when resentment builds.

You start telling yourself stories about her:
– She doesn’t care.
– She doesn’t love me.
– I’m not enough.

Those stories cut deep. They activate fear of rejection and old wounds that say you’re not worthy unless someone else sees you.

So you do more, hoping this time she’ll notice. And when she doesn’t, the guilt sets in:
– Why do I keep needing this?
– Why can’t I just be satisfied?
– What’s wrong with me that this bothers me so much?

That guilt piles on top of the resentment. You feel bad for wanting more. You feel bad for being upset. And you feel bad for blowing up when the pressure finally gets too heavy.

It becomes a cycle you can’t seem to break.

So you either stay quiet and struggle silently, carrying the weight until you’re exhausted…
Or you blow up—angry, defensive, snapping when she asks for help—because in your mind, she’s ignoring all the effort you’ve already put in.

Either way, the unspoken expectations are in the driver’s seat, and your connection keeps eroding.

Living Like Roommates

 

When you’re stuck in unspoken expectations, it usually goes one of two ways: silence or anger.

And when it goes on long enough, you end up living like roommates.

You can talk about surface-level things—the schedule, the bills, the kids’ activities, maybe even work—but not much else.

And when you do try to go deeper, the conversation often turns tense. There’s blame, defensiveness, criticism. Neither of you feels heard. Neither of you feels safe.

So you avoid it. You stay on the surface, keep things transactional, and hope the tension will fade. But it doesn’t. The resentment keeps simmering, and the distance between you grows.

At the heart of it all, those unspoken expectations are still running the show.

She Has Them Too

 

And here’s something important to recognize: you’re not the only one with unspoken expectations.

She has them too.

She may expect you to notice when she’s stressed without her saying a word. She may hope you’ll step in on your own, or understand what’s bothering her without her having to spell it out.

And when you don’t, she feels the same sting you do.

That’s why unspoken expectations are so toxic—they run on both sides. Both of you waiting. Both of you carrying disappointment. Both of you silently keeping score.

But here’s the good news: because this dynamic is happening on both sides, it only takes one of you to start changing the pattern.

The Shift

 

So here’s the shift you have to make: stop waiting for her to make you happy.

When your value depends on her noticing or validating, you’ve given her all the power over how you feel about yourself. That’s not only an impossible weight for her to carry—it’s disempowering to you.

It leaves you stuck. Powerless. Always at the mercy of how she responds—or doesn’t respond.

Of course you want her love, appreciation, and respect. Every man does. But those can’t be the source of your worth.

Because if you don’t believe you’re enough right now, no amount of her noticing will fix that. Even if she said all the right words, you’d probably dismiss them or think she was just saying it.

That’s why the waiting, the hoping, the scorekeeping never works. It keeps you resentful. It keeps you disconnected. It keeps you small.

But when you stop outsourcing your worth and start owning it yourself, everything shifts.

The tension begins to ease. You stop reacting to every moment like it’s proof you don’t matter. You show up calmer, steadier, clearer.

And she feels that. She feels the confidence in your presence, the safety in knowing you’re not handing her the impossible job of keeping you happy.

That’s when conversations get easier. That’s when the defensiveness begins to soften. That’s when intimacy starts to reopen.

The Tool: CLEAR Ask

 

So if unspoken expectations are the trap, what’s the alternative?

It’s learning how to make a CLEAR ask.

Instead of holding it in, instead of silently hoping she’ll notice, you bring it into the open.

C — Clear need. Say what you actually want.
L — Lay out time. When would you like it? Be specific.
E — Explain why. Share why it matters to you.
A — Ask plainly. Put it on the table without hoping she’ll guess.
R — Responsibility. Own voicing the need instead of waiting for her to figure it out.

Here’s what doesn’t work:

You come home worn out and think, “She should see how tired I am. She should just know to give me space.” You don’t say anything, but when she asks for help, you snap. Or maybe you say, “I need a break,” without explaining what you mean. She’s left guessing. You’re left frustrated. Nothing changes.

Now compare that to a CLEAR ask:

“Hey, I’ve had a long week, and I’d really like some downtime on Saturday morning. Can we plan for me to have a couple hours to myself before we dive into the weekend stuff?”

That’s direct, respectful, and clear. She doesn’t have to guess. You’re not waiting for her to notice. You’ve put it out there in a way she can respond to.

It may feel awkward at first, but it’s the difference between living in resentment and building real connection.

Wrap-Up

 

Here’s what I want you to take from today:

Unspoken expectations are a setup for resentment. They keep you waiting. They keep you scorekeeping. They keep you silently telling yourself stories that only make you feel more rejected.

But it doesn’t have to stay this way.

When you stop outsourcing your worth to whether or not she notices you… when you step out of silence and start making CLEAR asks… you create space for connection to come back.

It won’t always be easy. It won’t always go perfectly. But it’s always better than living like roommates, keeping score, and blowing up about the wrong things.

If this resonates, you can learn more about the work I do with men to break this cycle and rebuild connection at alisastoddard.com.