13. Obligation Sex Isn’t Worth Having

Welcome to Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men.

I’m your host, Alisa Stoddard—and this is Episode 13: Obligation Sex Isn’t Worth Having.

 

Today we’re talking about something a lot of men never say out loud—but they feel it in their gut.

That moment right after sex when she rolls over, and you’re lying there with a pit in your stomach.

You got what you wanted, maybe. But it didn’t feel good. Because deep down… it didn’t feel like she wanted you.

It felt like she gave in. Or did it out of duty. Or because you’d been hinting and helping and trying and she finally said, “Fine.”

That’s not connection. That’s not closeness. And let’s be honest—it doesn’t feel good for either of you.

What’s Actually Happening When Sex Feels Transactional

 

Most men don’t set out to create a transactional dynamic in their relationship. But that’s exactly what ends up happening.

You help out around the house. You try to be thoughtful. You hint. You linger with touch.

And when nothing happens, you feel resentful—“I’m doing all the right things, why don’t you want me?”

What you might not realize is that entire dynamic has become a transaction.

You’re doing things in hopes that they’ll earn you sex—and she can feel it. That unspoken pressure kills desire.

When you expect something physical in exchange for help or kindness, that’s a transaction—not intimacy.

Why This Hurts More Than Helps

 

It’s not about the release. If it were, the shower would be fine.

What you’re craving is to feel wanted. Loved. Chosen.

But you’ve been taught that sex is the path to that. That more sex equals more love and connection.

It doesn’t work like that. Sex isn’t the gateway to connection. Connection is what makes sex meaningful.

And she sees it differently: She wants to feel emotionally safe, seen, appreciated—before desire even enters the picture.

So now you’re stuck in a loop. You want sex to feel loved. She wants connection to feel desire.

The Shift: From Transaction to Connection

 

This doesn’t mean your relationship is broken beyond repair. But it is a sign something has to shift.

The old model—help out, be nice, maybe she’ll say yes—isn’t working. Because it never was the real path to intimacy.

What you’re really craving is connection, warmth, feeling like you matter to her.

When you stop trying to earn sex and start trying to build connection, everything changes.

You stop measuring your worth by how often she says yes. You stop pressuring her without realizing it.

You start paying attention to what makes her feel safe. You create intimacy in how you talk, respond, and see her.

And over time, pressure lifts, defenses come down, and you build connection-driven intimacy—not obligation sex.

Redefining Intimacy: It’s Bigger Than You Think

 

This pattern—where you’re trying and still feeling shut down—hurts. It chips away at your confidence.

You want to feel desirable—not just like a roommate, handyman, or paycheck.

But most men weren’t taught emotional intimacy. Weren’t shown how to express desire without pressure.

So when she pulls away, it stings. And men often shut down—or double down. Neither works.

One client said, “I’m trying everything. And still… I feel invisible.” He wasn’t angry. He was ashamed.

Quiet rejection leaves a mark. It messes with your sense of worth. And you start questioning yourself.

But you’re not broken. You’re stuck in a pattern that doesn’t work—and no one ever showed you how to break it.

What to Do When You Want More Than a Yes

 

So what now? If you’ve been stuck in this pattern, there’s nothing wrong with you.

But this is your invitation to show up differently.

Start by asking yourself honestly: What am I really wanting when I reach for her?

Is it closeness? Reassurance? To feel wanted?

Because when you get honest about that, things start to shift.

This work isn’t about being more romantic. It’s about emotionally mature leadership.

It’s about connection without pressure, affection without trade.

And when that happens? Desire becomes possible again—not out of obligation, but from real connection.

Closing and Next Step

 

If you’re tired of pressure, guessing, silence, or shame—let’s talk.

You can book a call with me at alisastoddard.com/podcast.

Bring your real situation. I’ll help you see what’s really going on—and how to shift it.

There’s a better way. And I’d love to help you find it.

Thanks for listening—see you next week.