10. “You Should Just Know”

Have you ever asked your wife what’s wrong… and she says:

“You should know.” or “If I have to tell you, it doesn’t count.”

And you think: If I knew, I’d fix it. I’m not trying to get this wrong.

But here you are—again—somehow always the bad guy.

This episode is for you.

Because if you’re confused, frustrated, and tired of the guessing game… you’re not broken. You’ve just been taught the wrong things about connection.

This Happens All the Time

 

I hear this all the time from my clients:

“She says I should just know what she wants… But I don’t. I ask. I offer help. I tell her to make a list. And that just makes her more upset.”

It feels like a no-win situation.

She’s mad because you didn’t notice.
She’s mad because you asked.
She’s mad because your solution felt too transactional.

And you’re standing there thinking: What do you want from me?

You’re trying. You’re not trying to hurt her. You’re actually working really hard not to get it wrong. And somehow, it still feels like you’re failing.

What’s Actually Going On

 

Let’s break this down.

When she says “You should just know,” she’s not talking about this moment. She’s talking about the hundred other moments where she felt unseen, unappreciated, or alone.

She’s overwhelmed. She’s tired. She feels like the weight of the house, the kids, the emotions, the planning, the details—has all been hers.

And you’ve been doing your job—working hard, showing up the best way you know how. You thought that was enough. Maybe you were taught that was the job.

But she’s holding a different set of expectations. And the resentment builds. Quietly, for a while… until it doesn’t.

When It Blows Up

 

For a lot of couples, this reaches a breaking point.

She makes a comment—sarcastic, sharp. You feel it, but try to stay calm. She gets louder. Starts crying. Saying things that feel personal, hurtful:

• “You never help.”
• “I always have to be the strong one.”
• “You don’t care unless I’m falling apart.”

And what do you do? You shut down. You stop talking. You try to stay out of the blast zone.

But inside, you’re absorbing all of it. And the story starts running in your head:

• “I’m not a good partner.”
• “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
• “She deserves better.”

Meanwhile, she’s running her own story:

• “He still doesn’t see me.”
• “I’m always the one trying.”
• “He doesn’t care enough to figure it out.”

And you both walk away feeling unloved. Not because it’s true—but because neither of you knows how to break the cycle.

Why “Fixing It” Doesn’t Work

 

So you try to help. You offer solutions. You ask for a list. You say, “Just tell me what you need.”

But here’s the thing: she doesn’t want to manage your connection. She doesn’t want to hand you a checklist just to be seen.

She wants you to want to know her. To notice. To care about what’s happening underneath the surface—without her having to spell it out.

Not because it’s logical. But because she’s exhausted. And emotionally spent.

That’s where “you should know” really comes from. Not entitlement. But exhaustion.

What to Do Instead

 

So what do you do when she says something like “You should know”?

You don’t defend. You don’t fix. You don’t disappear. You lean in.

Say something like:

• “Hey, I feel like I’m missing something. I want to understand. Can you help me get it?”
• “I know I haven’t always seen the full picture. But I’m here. And I care. Talk to me.”
• “I can tell something’s off. I may not know exactly what it is, but I want to understand—not just react.”

These moments matter. Because when you stay present instead of shutting down—when you bring calm curiosity instead of frustration—you change the energy in the room.

She doesn’t want perfection. She just wants to know that you care enough to stay in it with her.

That’s what builds connection.

Closing

 

You don’t have to read her mind. But you do have to stop checking out when it gets hard.

Your marriage isn’t dying because you don’t love each other. It’s struggling because you both feel unseen.

If you want help turning moments like this into something better—where you both feel close, connected, and respected—that’s what I do with my clients every single day.

Check out the rest of the episodes or book a call if you’re ready to stop feeling like a failure and start becoming the kind of man—and partner—you know you are.