9. Waiting for Her To Change Won’t Work

Let’s start with this:

If I asked you what’s not working in your relationship right now, what would you say?

Most of the men I work with would answer with something like:

• “She’s just not the same anymore.”
• “She doesn’t talk to me.”
• “She’s always irritated.”
• “She’s never affectionate unless I do everything perfectly.”
• “She shuts me out. I can’t win.”

And I get it. You’ve probably tried different things. You’ve stayed calm when she snapped. You’ve backed off when she was cold. You’ve tried harder. You’ve kept the peace. You’ve done more—at home, with the kids, in the bedroom. And you’re still not getting what you need.

So, of course the conclusion becomes: “If she would just change, we’d be okay.”

But here’s the truth no one wants to say out loud: you can’t change her.

No matter how right you are. No matter how hard you try. You can’t force her to be softer, more affectionate, more appreciative.

But you can change the way you show up. And that changes everything.

Where This Really Starts

 

Let’s be honest—what most couples call “communication” is actually just coordination.

Who’s picking up the kids. What time the appointment is. Whether the fridge needs restocking.

But real communication? The kind that builds intimacy, safety, and emotional connection? That’s been missing for a while.

And when it does happen—if it happens—it’s tense. It’s defensive. It feels like there’s a winner and a loser. It’s either a minefield… or a monologue.

Sound familiar?

You’re not the villain here. You were never taught how to do this.

You weren’t taught how to be emotionally open without being vulnerable to attack. You weren’t taught how to sit in discomfort without trying to fix it. You weren’t taught that showing sadness or fear or confusion isn’t weakness.

So instead, you learned to manage. To avoid. To work harder. To shut it down.

And now here you are—years later—doing everything you thought would work… and it still feels like you’re losing.

A Personal Story About Emotional Shutdown

 

I remember a night years ago, in my own marriage. It was late. We were both tired. And my husband said something—honestly, I don’t even remember what—but it landed wrong. It poked a bruise I didn’t know was still there.

And I got pissed. Disproportionately mad.

I remember standing in the kitchen, arms crossed, back against the counter—just gone. Not yelling. Not even saying anything. Just gone.

He tried to fix it—“What do you want me to say?” He tried to joke. He tried to guess what was wrong. And then he got frustrated and walked away.

That moment haunted me for days. Not because of what was said. But because of what wasn’t.

It made me realize how often I’d done that to him. Checked out. Frozen. Built a wall. And how confusing and hurtful that must’ve felt.

That was a turning point. Not because I figured out how to never get activated again—but because I started to see what it looked like from the other side.

How You Might Be Showing Up

 

So let me ask you some questions—just you and me here.

Are you showing up emotionally—or just physically and logistically?

Would your wife describe you as open and steady—or reactive and avoidant?

When she cries, do you shut her down or try to fix her because it’s so uncomfortable?

When you feel hurt or rejected, do you say it—or bury it under silence or sarcasm?

This is where the shift has to begin.

Right now, the dynamic might be built on emotional avoidance.

You’re avoiding hard conversations. She’s avoiding vulnerability. You’re both bracing for each other—never really landing.

I want more for you than that. I want you to know what it feels like to have a conversation that doesn’t end in exhaustion. To feel respected. To feel wanted. To feel like you’re actually working together—not just surviving side by side.

But you can’t get there if you’re waiting for her to go first.

What Actually Works

 

Here’s what actually works—and it’s simpler than you think.

It’s not about being perfect. It’s not about memorizing magic phrases. It’s not about becoming someone else.

It’s about becoming the real you again—the one buried under all this pressure to be okay.

It’s about:

• Saying the hard thing before it explodes.
• Asking questions to understand, not to defend.
•  Staying present when she’s emotional.
•  Admitting when you’re hurt—without expecting her to fix it.
• Letting her see the version of you that’s not just strong, but real.

You know what men tell me when they do this work?

“She started talking to me differently.”
“She leaned in.”
“She looked at me like she used to.”

They say it like it’s magic. But it’s not magic. It’s trust. It’s safety. It’s leadership. And it started with them.

If You Want Her to Change—Start With You

 

If you’ve been hoping she would change—soften, notice, show up—start with you.

Not because you’re the problem. But because you’re the only one you can actually change.

And because when you change—genuinely, deeply—she often does too. Not because you made her. But because she finally feels safe to.

Closing

 

If you don’t know how to do that yet, that’s okay. That’s what I help men with every day.

We build a new foundation—not a better mask. You don’t have to keep carrying this alone.

Thanks for being here. I’m so glad you are. I’ll see you next time on Create More Intimacy: A Podcast for Men.