6. When Jokes Become Criticism and Silence Becomes Distance

Welcome to the Create More Intimacy podcast. I’m Alisa Stoddard and I help men stop chasing sex and start building real connection so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

When Everything Looks Fine But Feels Distant

 

Have you ever felt like you’re doing everything right? You’re working hard, you’re showing up and you’re keeping things calm, but deep down you just feel miles apart from your wife. Like you’re stuck in some pattern of silence and shutdown and shallow shadow talk, and it’s eating away at the connection you actually want.

Avoiding Conflict Isn’t Harmless

 

Let me ask you something. Have you ever avoided a hard conversation with your wife because you were worried that it wouldn’t go well? You weren’t trying to be disrespectful—you just didn’t want to start another fight or get shut down or make things worse.

So you stay quiet and you tell yourself it’s not the right time or that it’s not a big deal, but inside you feel more alone, more disconnected—and if you’re honest, a little bit resentful.

Trying to Be Strong Can Backfire

 

I get that. I see this all the time. It’s that exact moment where a man’s doing everything he can to keep the peace, but it’s slowly tearing the relationship apart from the inside.

One of my clients wasn’t really a big talker, and he told me that he avoided bringing things up with his wife—not because he didn’t have thoughts or feelings, but because he felt like he had to have it all figured out first.

He didn’t want her to see him when he was unsure or struggling. He felt like he was supposed to lead and stay strong and not show any doubt.

And while that sounds noble, what it did was keep him emotionally hidden. He was faking confidence and faking calm and trying to carry everything alone—and it was depleting him. Worse, it robbed the marriage of real connection.

What Silence Teaches Her

 

What ended up happening for this client is that he stopped trying and just kept more and more to himself—not because he didn’t care, but because caring too loudly seemed to cost him.

But here’s what he didn’t see at first: that silence became the standard. Not officially, not intentionally—but emotionally. That silence sent a message: we don’t talk about hard things here.

And once that becomes the emotional tone of the relationship, trust starts to erode quietly.

Strength Isn’t Silence—It’s Honesty

 

Maybe this sounds familiar to you. You don’t share your feelings, and you believe that you have to carry everything on your own. You think leading means holding it all together and looking unshakeable.

But what if I told you that kind of strength actually keeps you isolated?

What if it’s not your silence that’s noble, but your willingness to be honest?

When you let your guard down just a little, you invite connection. When you name what’s hard—even gently—you create a space where she might finally feel safe enough to do the same.

That’s how trust gets built: little by little. Not through fixing, but through sharing.

My Story: When I Stopped Reaching

 

Let me tell you something personal too. In my marriage, I was the one begging for connection. I wanted insight and honesty and something real to hold onto—but most of the time I got short answers or jokes or non-answers.

Over time, I started feeling like I wasn’t worth opening up to. I’d ask questions and get surface-level replies. That just gets old.

I used to pantomime pulling a rope just to make the point: Come on, give me something. Talk to me.

Eventually, I just stopped. Especially when things got hard, I’d shut down too. I stopped sharing what I was feeling and just handled everything—life, home, family—by myself.

And let me tell you: that was an incredibly lonely period of time.

That’s the part no one talks about. When one of you avoids, the other learns to stop reaching.

Avoidance Breaks the Bond

 

Avoidance might feel like some kind of protective measure, but what it really does is break the bond you used to have—quietly, daily, over weeks and years.

Your Communication Has a Tone

 

So let’s talk about your communication—not just what you say, but the tone you set. Because whether you realize it or not, you already have a communication standard.

And if it wasn’t intentionally chosen, that pattern gets chosen for you.

Maybe your current pattern is silence when things get hard. Or sarcasm. Or shutdowns. Long stretches of emotional distance. Conversations that stay surface-level or are just about kids and logistics.

That pattern tells her something. It’s shaping how she responds to you.

Good News: You Don’t Need Perfect Words

 

Here’s the good news. You don’t have to have perfect words. You don’t need a magical phrase that fixes everything. You just have to be willing to show up differently—not the way you’ve been showing up for years. Something new.

It starts with showing a lot more empathy and listening—not to fix, but to understand her point of view and what’s happening from her perspective.

Ask Better Questions

 

I encourage you to ask better questions. Not the kind that test or challenge her and sound defensive, but the kind that show her you actually see her and care about what she’s going through.

Ask questions because you want to understand her world—not just get through the conversation.

Reflect What You Hear

 

That really requires that you learn how to get curious. And when she shares something hard, that you have a way to reflect it back to her—letting her know you heard her.

I’m not talking about parroting her words. Make it sound like you. Make it sound like you understand what she’s going through—not with solutions, but with presence.

It’s really important that you avoid that trap of getting defensive.

When You Respond Differently, Everything Changes

 

That move—responding with curiosity and presence—changes the dynamic entirely.

If she feels like you’re getting defensive or making it about you, it shifts the entire conversation.

But when you respond differently, you show up differently. And when you show up differently, everything starts to shift.

I hope this helps. See you next time.

Closing

 

Thanks for being here. If something in this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more men find the support they need. And if you are ready to get help or take the next step, you’ll find the link to book a free call in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.