1. It’s Not Just About Sex – You Want to Feel Wanted

If you’ve ever felt like your wife’s compliments or affection bounce right off… or you find yourself needing her to say it again just to believe it – you’re not alone.

In this episode, I’m talking about why her validation doesn’t last, how this dynamic quietly erodes intimacy, and what to do instead – so you can feel grounded, confident, and wanted again.

Welcome to the Create More Intimacy Podcast. I’m Alisa Stoddard, and I help men stop chasing sex and start building real connection – so they finally feel close, connected, and wanted again.

You’re doing everything you’re supposed to…

Let me guess. You’re showing up. You work so hard. You’re trying not to start fights. You’re keeping the peace, you’re present with your kids, you’re providing…

And yet, deep down, you still feel like it’s not enough.

She’s not warm. She’s not affectionate. She barely says thank you anymore – and when she does, it doesn’t really land. You find yourself brushing it off or needing her to say it again the next day.

And maybe you’re wondering, Why do I feel so invisible in my own marriage?

Maybe you’ve even started asking yourself the deeper question no one talks about: What’s wrong with me that her appreciation doesn’t stick?

It’s not neediness. It’s not weakness. And you aren’t broken.

If that sounds familiar, this episode is going to hit home – because what you’re feeling isn’t neediness. It’s not weakness. And you aren’t broken.

You’re just stuck in a pattern that most men don’t even realize they’re in.

Let’s talk about why her validation doesn’t last – and what to do instead.

Why her validation doesn’t land

 

If you’ve ever thought:

If she would just appreciate me… If she would show me that I matter to her… If she would just say something kind – then I’d finally feel okay…

Then you already know this pattern.

She says something kind. Gives you a compliment. Tells you she appreciates you.

And it helps… for a minute. And then it fades.

You find yourself questioning whether she really meant it. Wondering why she doesn’t say it more often. Feeling resentful that you had to bring it up and ask for it.

When it bounces off

 

I worked with this client who told me once, “I just wanted her to tell me I was doing a good job.”

And by all accounts, he was.

He was working hard. Showing up for the kids. Helping around the house. Holding it together.

But even when she did say something appreciative, it didn’t land. It bounced off.

Because here’s the truth: Validation doesn’t last when you don’t believe it yourself.

It’s like trying to fill a bucket with no bottom.

Your brain starts talking you out of it

 

You get the compliment. It feels good for a moment. Then your brain kicks in with:

• Does she really mean it?
• She’s just saying it because I asked her to.
• If she really appreciated me, I wouldn’t have to tell her.

And just like that, you’re back in the hole – doubting her, doubting yourself, growing more frustrated and resentful.

The cycle you didn’t know you were in

 

Here’s the deeper pattern I see over and over again:

• You show up, hoping to be appreciated.
• You don’t get the reaction you were hoping for.
• You start doubting yourself.
• You get distant, sarcastic, or shut down.
• She senses that tension and pulls away.
• Then you chase it again.

Rinse and repeat.

Not because you’re weak – but because your sense of worth is sitting in someone else’s hands.

The trap of needing proof

 

Another guy I worked with had been married 17 years. He said:

“She tells me she loves me, but I just don’t feel like it’s anything but lip service.”

It didn’t feel earned. It didn’t feel real.

And the more he tried to get her to prove it, the less she wanted to engage.

That’s the trap.

When you rely on her words to determine your worth, you end up chasing something she can’t give you consistently.

It’s not because she’s cruel. She may want to help. But you’re trying to solve an internal insecurity with external reassurance.

“When you stop needing validation and start trusting yourself, you become more emotionally safe. That’s when intimacy returns.”

Even sex starts to feel hollow

 

This dynamic bleeds into the physical side too.

When you don’t feel wanted, she senses that tension. Even when sex does happen, it feels hollow.

She may pull away – not because she doesn’t care – but because every request feels like pressure. Like another place she has to prove something to you.

And it’s exhausting. For both of you.

What self-validation really means

 

Let me be super clear here:

Self-validation doesn’t mean you don’t want appreciation. It doesn’t mean you never want her to say something kind.

It means you stop needing it to feel okay.

It means you stop outsourcing your emotional stability to someone else.

Sometimes it’s her. But let’s be honest – many men are also outsourcing to their dads, their bosses, or someone else.

You need to start building internal trust.

What to ask yourself instead

 

This is how you start moving the needle.

When she does appreciate you… ask:

• What do I make it mean when she validates me?
• Do I believe “I’m only enough if she says so”?
• When was the last time I acknowledged myself for something I did well – without needing her to notice?
• When was the last time my own acknowledgment was enough?

A new approach to confidence

 

If you want to change this dynamic, try this:

Next time you catch yourself seeking approval – stop.

Pause.

Ask: What do I know to be true about myself right now?

• Did you handle something with maturity?
• Did you stay calm when it mattered?
• Did you show up in a way you’re proud of?

That moment right there – that’s where real confidence starts.

How it shifts everything

 

When my client stopped chasing her approval and started owning his own wins, everything shifted.

He wasn’t cold or indifferent – it was different. He was grounded.

He validated himself first.

And then… she started responding differently. Because it wasn’t about her proving something to him anymore. It was about connection – without all that pressure.

When you trust yourself, intimacy has a chance

 

When you stop needing validation and start trusting yourself, you become more steady. More emotionally safe. More confident – even when things aren’t perfect.

That’s when intimacy has a chance to return.

Not because you chased it – but because you created the safety and strength where it can thrive.

Want help making this shift?

 

This is the work I do every day with men just like you.

If you’re ready to stop chasing and start connecting, I can help you shift this dynamic for good.

👉 Click here to book a free call with me and bring your biggest frustration – we’ll work through it together.

You don’t have to get this perfect. But when you stop waiting for her to tell you who you are… you finally start becoming the man who doesn’t have to ask.